Love. It seems like such a simple thing, so inherent to being human, but at the same time, sometimes so difficult to give and receive.
In fact, many of our problems start with not knowing how to recognize the love in front of us.
One of the reasons for this is when we don't receive love in our childhood. How can we offer something we don't know? Or, it could be that you've had a hard life, or so many disappointments, that you've closed yourself off to it. Or fear, which is the opposite of love, has taken hold of you in such a way that you can't act guided by love.
The truth is that our essence is love. And if you're reading this article, it's because, no matter what has happened in your life, you still haven't given up on getting back to your original path.
In the book Getting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix, the author teaches us that we can recognize the way people want to be loved through the way they show love.
He talks about the top five ways people show this feeling. This list can also serve as a guide for when we don't even know where to start.
1) Physical affection
Amazingly, this is a controversial topic: some like it, some don't. There is the cultural issue (Spañol likes to play, but not everyone likes to be played); there is childhood memory.
The point here is: if your partner is touching you, it's because he also likes to be touched. The way you will find to meet this need of his is yours alone, but it is a need that must be met.
You might not like cuddling, for example, but can you negotiate five minutes of cuddling in bed before bed?
2) Words of Appreciation
It is not enough to know that you are loved: we want to listen.
We also want to hear that what we do for marriage, for the house, for the family, is appreciated.
When I came to live in Switzerland, I stayed for a few months with a couple. They already had adult children, they had been together since adolescence, but each time one of them prepared dinner, the other said: “thank you for preparing dinner. Looks delicious". But they said this really looking into each other's eyes.
If we went out to dinner, at the end of the meal, the person who paid the bill would hear: “Thank you very much! It was truly an amazing night!”
It was one of the great lessons I took with me.
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3) Timeshare
Everyone understands this in a different way. For some people, just being together in the same room, maybe watching TV or something.
For others, it's important to schedule time to hang out together – set the intention to share that time.
For some, it's nice to always do the same thing: I have a couple of friends who like to go climbing almost every weekend. For others, it's important to vary.
The important thing is that we don't forget that sharing time is part of "watering" the relationship.
4) Do something for the other
One of the things that to this day puts a huge smile on my face is when my husband picks me up somewhere.
Sometimes a small thing: picking up the laundry, taking out the trash, anything that shows you care and it's not on automatic.
5) Gift
It's not about the size or price of the gift. It's again, show you care. But this is my way of loving.
It was interesting, from the perspective of the book, to understand why my husband didn't like my gifts: since the gesture was what mattered to me, I bought cheap things. He always gave me expensive gifts. This was his way of showing that I mattered to him. Consequently, as he saw it, my buying a cheap gift showed that he didn't care all that much.
The idea is, therefore, to use this tip as a two-way street, both to recognize love and to (re)learn how to show love.
As I said in another text, in English there is the expression taking for granted, which does not have a literal translation into Portuguese, but it is when you consider that something is won and you don't need to do much more.
For my coaching clients, I suggest using the question, “What can I do today to get closer to my goal?”
May we remember to do a little every day to show love.
