Resentment… Heavy word, huh? Have you ever felt or harbored any resentment in your heart? According to the dictionary, resentment is a “grievance that is kept from an offense or an evil that has been received; grudge”. In other words, it's what we carry with us when someone offends us and we find it difficult to forgive, so we carry a heavy feeling of hurt, which makes us resentful of those who hurt us and hurt us.
Causes of resentment
Life places the most diverse situations in our walks, so it is impossible to point out the most common cases of resentment, but they usually happen when someone says or does something to us that offends us or when we see the expectations that we create, often unconsciously, frustrated. about someone.
Disappointment or disappointment in someone is normal in life. Anyone who hasn't gone through this will almost certainly one day pass; But, when this kind of situation happens, the best thing we can do is forgive the one who offended or frustrated us, reframe the relationship or even end it, but move on lightly, without carrying hurts and grudges in your heart. of the people who hurt him.
Consequences of resentment
It is difficult to measure the consequences of an emotion like resentment. In the long run, if the situation that caused this resentment is not resolved and continues to cause distress in those who feel it, the grudge can cause serious emotional problems, such as depression, anxiety disorder and post-traumatic disorder; but, more than psychological disorders – which can be identified and cured more simply, if there is psychotherapeutic support –, resentment can completely change the way a person faces life and approaches people.
For example: a person who thinks that he has been wronged in the work environment and then fired can always be suspicious of his colleagues when starting a new story in a new professional environment, as he has not left the grudge of the negative experience behind and continues to bring it with her, which affects people who have nothing to do with those who harmed her before.
The same can happen, as another example, with people who have been cheated on in a relationship. In relationships after the one in which there was cheating, this person may develop an extreme distrust of his new partner, which has nothing to do with the mistakes made by the previous partner.
Finally, to close the topic with one more example: have you ever heard stories of people who fought, one of them died without the other having the opportunity to ask for forgiveness and then regret hit hard when the penny dropped? Talking and forgiving is always the best option so that we don't run the risk of losing someone who was once important to us to heartache.
Physical causes of resentment
Do you know the concept of psychosomatic illnesses? Psychosomatic illnesses prove that mind and body are a single organism and, therefore, affect each other. These diseases are physical problems, which affect the functioning of the body, but which have emotional and psychological causes. You probably know or have heard of someone who gained weight or lost a lot of weight after depression, right?
The same can happen with resentments. According to Cristina Cairo, a psychologist and physical educator, the study of neurolinguistic programming (NLP) has already proven that keeping resentments in your heart can cause arthritis. Cairo is the author of the trilogy of books “Language of the Body”, which makes a relationship between emotions and thoughts and diseases of the physical body.
There are over 100 types of arthritis known. The most common among Spanish people is arthrosis; in second place comes the rheumatoid. Arthritis is nothing more than an inflammation in the joints, the so-called "joints", which are located between two bones. It is an autoimmune disease and can be treated, but in traditional medicine there is still no cure. In arthritis, the immune system attacks the body's own tissues, causing pain.
How to get rid of resentment
Each situation is unique and individual, so you are the only one who can know the best way to deal with that or that person who hurt you and made you develop in your heart this very evil grudge, but overall the first step to leaving a resentment behind is talking about it.
If it is possible and the relationship still allows it, go to the person who hurt you and try to talk to them about it, making your point and explaining why their attitude or words hurt you and explaining why it all bothered you.
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If there is no possibility to talk about the resentment with the person who hurt you, in case of death or the relationship has really been cut off once and for all, for example, you can go to a friend, your partner or even a therapist. to talk about this grudge and this hurt that is bothering your heart.
It is very common, for example, for patients to seek therapy to talk about conflicting and resentful relationships with their parents or with past romantic partners, because this is a way of exposing resentments without necessarily having to talk about them with the person they are directly connected to. the situation.
What happens when we get rid of resentment
Tim Herrera, editor of The New York Times column Smarter Living, proposed a reflection on his Twitter for his followers. He asked them, “Have you left behind a long-standing resentment? If yes, how did you feel?” The responses were quite positive. The journalist's followers said they felt sensations of maturity, lightness, freedom, well-being, peace, among others.
Well, if we usually say that a hurt weighs our heart, it's almost obvious to imagine that leaving a resentment behind is moving forward lighter, since that weight will have been removed.
Forgive and forget?
Many people believe that forgiving someone for an offense, hurt, resentment or bad behavior from the past is to put an eraser on all the harm and suffering caused and move on as if nothing happened, but it doesn't have to be that way. If you feel like you should forgive and give the person who wronged you another chance, establishing that everything is okay despite the problem, it's your choice, but know that you're not obligated to do so.
See an example: marital betrayals. If your partner cheats on you, it's natural that sooner or later you'll forgive him in order to go lighter about it and leave past resentments behind, but that doesn't mean you need to reestablish the relationship in the future or continue. in the relationship as if nothing happened, if being with this person hurts you or if you don't trust them.
Forgiveness, more than for the other, is for ourselves, because it is as if we were saying: “Look, this sad situation no longer affects me”, so care less about what your forgiveness will cause in the other and remain focused on what he will awaken in you.
Anyway, resentments are not good at all, whatever the causes of it and the people involved. Try to talk to them about them and, if that's not possible, look for someone you trust or a therapist, because only forgiveness can ease your chest after a resentment, making room again for good feelings and thoughts in your life.
