"It's just a date", "we're getting to know each other" "I'm not ready for a serious relationship", "my boyfriend". How long have you heard from your crush, these expressions? But, nothing to assume and deepen the affective relationship.
After all, for you and your family system, what does it mean to be in a loving relationship? Would it be asking for the suitor's hand? Walking in public holding hands? Coming out on social media by posting pictures of you together and changing your profile to dating seriously or married?
To love and be loved is, without a doubt, the greatest desire of human beings and, therefore, the greatest cause of their satisfactions and also of their frustrations.
However, even with this desire pulsing intensely within them, many people are afraid to assume a loving relationship, which implies commitment and delivery. Factors such as low self-esteem, insecurity, fear of experiencing frustrations and suffering can lead them to avoid a deeper love connection, there are also those people who do not feel worthy of experiencing great love. Or there are still doubts if this is the right person.
Bert Hellinger tells us that when the child is separated from the mother early, as in the case of a child who is born prematurely and needs to stay in the incubator or a cesarean delivery that also occurs early separation or when the mother or baby has a problem of health in which separation occurs due to hospitalization, the child feels the separation as a great pain and it changes after this event, as the pain turns into anger or despair. When the mother returns, the child takes the mother away from her, as she remembers the pain she felt. So the mother perhaps believes she has failed in some way and also withdraws. In this way the two remain separate.
This fact can have influences throughout life, including in love relationships. When a movement that is interrupted early occurs, mainly in relation to the mother, sometimes also in relation to the father, later on the child does not get closer to other people. He is afraid of the closeness that back there resulted in a separation, causing him great pain. Whenever you approach someone, you unconsciously remember the past pain and stop the movement of approaching, maintaining the distance and superficiality of the relationship.
If, later on, this child, as an adult, wants to get closer to someone, he will remember the suffering experienced in childhood, and even desiring to love and be loved, he may retreat to avoid a deeper bond (which has become synonymous with suffering, in the example cited). related to the mother) and once again bring her suffering.
It is of great importance to look at yourself before wanting to enter into an affective relationship. Being in your right place within the family of origin makes it easier for you to also position yourself correctly in the love relationship.
Having clarity of what you are looking for in the other person and in the relationship is fundamental. Many unions begin with someone looking to their partner for the ability to meet his or her needs. The problem is that the other partner may also be looking for the same thing – someone who satisfies their needs and wants.
If you see the other as an opportunity to get what you want, he, (the partner), may consider the relationship a passing opportunity to lead you to only meet his needs and nothing else, not assuming the relationship and the building a life together.
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Looking for someone in the relationship who meets your needs without a fair exchange can lead the other person to back off and not take the union. On a deeper level, it looks like a child looking for a mother rather than an adult looking for an adult partner.
An adult relationship flourishes when there is a need for balance – give and take/take – combined with love, thus enriching the partnership.
Look at yourself, look at your relationship, make the changes that are within your reach and seek help to have deeper and lasting improvements, the family systemic constellation and quantum kinesiology are great tools that help you with these changes.
Facilitator Fatima Cardoso.
