The absent father is the partner who usually facilitates the abuse of the narcissistic, perverse mother, to the detriment of their own children. He, however, is one of the kidnapped victims and is just as prevented from protecting himself as he is his children. He is belittled, sidelined and ignored.
The attitudes and guidelines of the family, therefore, are only at the discretion of the mother, the maladjusted wife.
If the spouse decides to claim his position, or even tries to protect his offspring from the cruelties inflicted on them, the results are usually so devastating that he will hardly be able to feel secure enough to be able to confront armed situations.
On occasions of impact, the responses are full of drama, emotional breakdown and reenactments of more abusive scenarios. The anger is directed at the husband, who, in the end, in order not to abandon the boat with his children inside and adrift, cornered, decides to shut up. And, in his profound silence, he announces his subjugation, becoming a co-participant in the abusive plot, by choosing to omit.
On the other hand, the narcissistic wife chooses as a husband someone with an emotional terrain and with specific personality characteristics so that she can put her unbalanced and strategic actions into practice.
The fury, speech and drama of predatory mothers are dizzyingly intense, to the point of silencing anyone around them. The father, often aware of what is happening, still does not have the courage to set clear limits to protect his children or abandon the family. The cause of giving up on oneself is due to cultural concepts and also to the result that emotional stress in the toxic environment promotes in the psychic universe.
As unbelievable as it may seem, sometimes it is the mother who ends up asking the father to separate, accusing him of being useless, invasive and imposing other disqualifications, when he tries to take care of the family in his own way or even protect the children.
In this dead end plot, if the husband is silent, he is accused of being useless and omissive; if he claims, he is accused of awkward, aggressive, selfish, inhuman and disrespectful of maternal authority.
These wives often warn that they are going to separate just to corner even more and give a kind of “corrective” to the husband, imagining that with this submission may increase, and they would thus gain more space, becoming more authoritarian and more magnanimous in their delusions. of greatness.
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If, at this fateful opportunity, the spouse is minimally awake, he will take the opportunity to get out of there for good, betting that the children will recognize the life they have and, who knows, the life they can have.
In these moments, however, one more war is usually waged, and these sick mothers will do everything to further undermine the image of these fathers. The attempt is to strengthen the children's alliance of submission, increasing the fear of helplessness and rejection.
The stories I have in the office show that, no matter how much these mothers try to denigrate the father's image, the truth somehow always comes out.
I once cared for an only child, who spent much of his life away from his father, who had separated from his mother. She had memories of the countless times she'd waited for him for a walk and he hadn't shown up. He had memories of his mother badmouthing him, saying he was just like that. He also had a specific memory of a day when his father came to visit and brought his mother a necklace as a gift, probably in an attempt at reconciliation, which she did not accept. She rarely saw him after that; but, despite her mother's words and the pain of not having found him again, she remembered her father always being affectionate with her. As an adult, married and with children, his mother became seriously ill. Since he was her only child, he left everything, spending a lot of time in the hospital with her, until, unusually, his father appears, looks at him and says: “son, you are tired, I can see it in your eyes, go home, take a bath and, from now on, this post is mine”. After a while, his mother passed away and really softened up before leaving, allowing herself to be taken care of. My patient was also able to understand the whole plot, in addition to what he himself had gone through with his mother.
The children who come for therapy are able to discern, make the necessary amends, take care of themselves, because they are also victims who have suffered a lot.
The more awake, the better!
Silvia Malamud
