Emotional dependence happens when one person only feels happy or confident through another. A codependent relationship is based on the inability to nurture a healthy relationship with another person, making them the main focus of your life.
Codependency can come from one or both of the members of the relationship, it can be imperceptible or lead to more serious problems. Dependent people tend to wear out the relationship unintentionally and this type of disorder can turn a normal relationship into an abusive one.
Certain characteristics help identify a codependent relationship. Here's a few for you to keep an eye on:
You don't think about yourself first
When we date or become emotionally involved with someone, it's normal to want to please them. The problem is when this becomes a law and you do everything for the other without thinking about the consequences.
Thinking that there is no alternative but to do everything the other wants silences your voice in the relationship. Focusing on your needs is critical, having the notion that both sides exist and deserve respect as well.
If only one side has a voice, the relationship is one-sided. If you can't identify this, think:
- Am I doing this for me?
- Can I solve this myself?
- If the person doesn't like it, will I do the same?
If the answer is “no”, the problem has already been identified and needs to be controlled. You can't give up who you are for anyone.
excessive care
Constant concern for the other may seem normal, but excessive care suffocates the partner and makes the relationship absurdly controlling. It is very important to take care of yourself and not interfere with the way the other person acts, thinks or feels. When this happens on both sides, the relationship becomes abusive and can even lead to aggression.
Lack of self-esteem
How can you love a person more than yourself? That's not right and, as much as it sounds like an exaggeration, when you don't love yourself, it's much harder for someone to love you.
Nobody likes to be with a person who doesn't value themselves, although it often happens. If you feel inferior to others, blame yourself for everything that happens and accept crumbs in a relationship, ask for psychological help and pay attention to what you need.
A lack of self-esteem destroys a relationship, making it possessive, because everything around you becomes a threat.
Anxiety and silenced emotions
If talking to the person has become an inner struggle with your emotions, you'd better be careful. Anxiety shouldn't exist in a relationship, there's no need to fear the partner or be afraid to deal with him. This only happens a lot in abusive relationships. Never stop expressing your feelings for someone else.
You have to be aware of emotions, they are the key to everything we are and need. When we repress feelings too much, we lose touch with our selves and tirelessly seek the return of another person.
possessiveness
Having control of yourself is necessary, but wanting to control your partner is a serious mistake. To love is not to possess, it is to accompany and accept that the other is a whole person. If you try to change a person and control their steps, you are a possessive person. Insecurity, fear of being abandoned and possessiveness are lethal weapons against a healthy relationship. Stop creating imaginary prisons and free the ones you love.
Emotional blackmail
"If you don't go with me, I won't go anymore." Loving someone is not being responsible for the person 24 hours a day. Feeling hurt by every “no” you receive is not tolerating a position different from yours. If your partner needs space, the best thing to do is provide it. Emotional blackmail will not make things easier, on the contrary, it can turn your relationship from happy to abusive. There should be no victims in a relationship, only partners.
Pretend that nothing happens
A relationship is based on dialogue and, as much as love exists, it is fundamental to moving forward. It's no use pretending that problems don't exist, facing them is necessary. Things don't resolve themselves.
Dependency
If you only see love and protection outside of yourself, that's already a problem. The dependent person desperately seeks the other to be happy. Can't stand to be alone. You can't do anything without the other's approval. Do you see how harmful this is? For a relationship to exist, two people must exist. You can lean on the other, but you should in no way expect him to live your life and do everything for you.
Lack of communication
Openly expressing what you think is important, even if it doesn't always please the other person. If you or your partner doesn't accept that the other needs to talk, the relationship becomes one-sided and arguments become frequent. Avoid fights, talk.
Wrong choices
Sex to get something, emotional manipulation, choosing unavailable or committed people can all make a relationship codependent. If you take away the main bases of the relationship that are love, respect and commitment, it becomes impossible to live with someone in a healthy way.
Emotional dependence doesn't necessarily have to be romantic, many families and friendships suffer from it. The emotional fragility it causes is dangerous, just like any addiction — it's no wonder it's categorized as a disorder.
There are people so certain that they cannot live without the other that they simply don't live, they wait for any verdict to go on with life and do nothing without the person being present.
In general, a codependent person has experienced little of the love, security, and harmony needed in life and seeks support from other people to support themselves. The origin of codependency is usually in childhood, where abuse, emotional and physical violence, criticism and rigidity can shape a person's psychology in adulthood.
The best way to change the course of this story is acceptance and treatment. Understand that the other is not you and that you don't need them for everything and seek help when it is difficult to understand this. Don't stop living your life for someone or stop the other from living.
Being an independent person takes time and effort, as everyone goes through times when they don't know where to go and look for help. The problem is the complacency in the good will of others. Relationships are not emotional crutches and shouldn't fill in every gap in your life.
If you have identified with any signs of codependency, it is best to rethink your relationship with each other and with yourself. Every relationship is healthier and more enjoyable with independent and self-confident people.
Osho used to say: “If you can be happy when you're alone, you've learned the secret of being happy.”
Text written by Juliane Rodrigues from the Eu Sem Fronteiras Team
