The need to more accurately express our feelings, emotions, opinions and the like is what commonly leads us to the use of metaphors, which, in short, are figures of speech that produce figurative meanings through comparisons. This is where expressions such as “iron health”, “so and so is a cat” and more subtle expressions such as “making love”, for example, arise.
The adjective “toxic”, when applied to a person, is also metaphorical, since, in practice, a poisonous substance, which produces harmful effects on the body, can be toxic, but not a person.
This use of the term is more of a fad – like talking about empathy or writing “gratitude” on social media without there being any real feeling behind it –, and it came in the same wave of expressions that, on the one hand, reveal a greater awareness , on the other hand, show how deeply fragile the current generation is.
Since everything is dual in the world of matter, the use of the adjective “toxic” as a qualification for people naturally has its positive side. Note that, if we assume that sophistication of language is directly linked to sophistication of thought, the use of expressions such as “toxic”, “abusive” and the like has an empowering potential.
On the other hand, however, when qualifying someone as “toxic”, we are often putting ourselves in the supposedly comfortable and privileged place of the victim: if the other is toxic, then I am a well of virtue, the incarnation of empathy itself, “ golden rosemary that was born in the countryside…”
Understand that at no time do I intend to blame the real victims of abusive relationships, manipulation and other narcissistic devices. What I do here, and with due caution, is an invitation to investigate the metaphorical use of the term “toxic”, which is, in a way, also an invitation to self-knowledge.
Who are we calling toxic? The abuser who bullies us and holds us hostage in unhealthy relationships or the guy who just didn't live up to our expectations? How many times do we qualify the other as toxic after the end of a relationship in which we remained out of pure immaturity and/or lack? How many times does the villainy of the other present itself to us as a resource to deal with our frustration?
Once Fr. Fábio de Melo said: “Sometimes it is necessary to invent hatred, grief, contempt, so that unrequited love becomes bearable.”
The fact is that we often take the person who doesn't give us what we wanted or who brings up questions about ourselves as toxic. Often, lack leads us to voluntarily ignore the signs that were there from the beginning, and when things explode and we get hurt, the other is toxic, the other is inhuman and vile.
In times when there is a whole cult of victimization disguised as empowerment and a whole segregationist project disguised as a struggle for equality, it is necessary for everyone to be very sober and willing to face themselves.
We are also toxic when we insist after a no. We, too, are toxic when we cling to an illusion in the face of evident incompatibility of interests. We are also toxic when we impose ourselves in the lives of those who are not even part of ours. We are often victims, but often we are also executioners in someone's life.
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In addition, the relationship with toxic people is, commonly, an invitation to face our own shadows projected on the other. And insisting on the victim position is often tantamount to denying our faults. It's painful to be the victim, but it's preferable to the pain of seeing the ugly part of us, it's more comfortable compared to the need to take responsibility for our life.
As a text attributed to Shakespeare says, “circumstances and environments influence us, but we are responsible for ourselves.”
Texts about self-knowledge are usually illustrated with the beautiful and imposing image of the Buddha, which often leads us to a mistaken idea of self-knowledge as perfection, enlightenment or something similar, but it's just the opposite! Self-knowledge has to do with accepting yourself as fallible by condition and, from there, dedicating yourself to every aspect that needs healing.
I know that sometimes people hurt us. I know that there are those who do evil and victimize us, hurt us and destroy us inside. I know and I'm sorry about that. But I also know that people and situations are attracted to us by affinity, so the more we get to know each other, the less toxic those around us will be.
And we will be less toxic, especially to ourselves.
