We know that this is the cure. loving each other
Find out how to accept flaws. Accept even that inner voice that always wants to improve. perfect. Do more. It looks like it's supposed to be really better. But actually, it's tiring. Even that voice, I must love.
And as a friend said, this voice that rebels against surrender and acceptance may be holding a great gem. Accepted. Accepted. Because it's easier to have compassion and to understand and forgive others' mistakes than my own.
And right therein lies the point: to bring that forgiveness, patience and acceptance within. Don't be so hard on myself. Learning. All are my masters. Including fear. the pain. The hardness.
I decided to do an experiment with myself for a week. Exercise, in practice, looking at everything that is part of me. Each day I opened a small door to illuminate feelings and experiences that were under the rug.
I will summarize here the insights of the week. Who knows, maybe you are excited to do the same and share your point of view?
Day 1: FEAR. What am I afraid of?
I know that at the bottom of everything is the fear of death. I'm afraid of dying.
I'm afraid of dying and not having traveled the world more. I'm afraid of running out of money, of having nowhere to live. To go hungry. I'm afraid of being defamed. badly seen. judged I'm afraid of being raped, raped, mugged. I'm afraid of not being seen. forgotten. unloved. I'm afraid to cry alone. Fear of silence. To be cursed. to fight. Of being misunderstood. I'm afraid of being hurt. to hurt. To be ignored. I am afraid that my family members will get sick, have an accident, die. I'm terrified of losing my parents.
I'm afraid of getting very sick. Of feeling incapable. I'm scared as fuck. I'm really scared. And I don't really like being afraid. And I love that fear. It's not me. Is not mine. Nothing is mine. It's part of that experience. Gratitude, fear.
Day 2: ANXIETY
Anxiety has to do with fear. Projecting the future as being very difficult, challenging, impossible. What's going to happen is going to be very difficult for me and I can't take it. What will happen is worse than I imagine. It's going to be a rush. It will be tiring. It will go wrong. It's dangerous. Better not go. The heart beats fast and strong in the chest. Don't let me think. Don't let me sleep. I hate it. Sometimes, meditating, I get this craving. I hate this. It burns me inside. I hate not sleeping. How will I wake up tomorrow?
Anxiety, my master, gratitude. I know you're not all bad. And there's a lot to teach. And I'm not you. I feel you. But you are not me. And I'm not you. I'm sorry. Pardon me. I love you. I am grateful. Teach me. I want to be your friend.
Day 3: ANGER
I'm Aryan. I'm Pitta. I am fire. am I? I feel. I speak loud. I lose control. I'm thick. I look ugly. I think. irritate me. I walk away. shut up. I curse. I hate.
I'm angry about being angry. I'm a Yoga teacher. I meditate every day. I feel angry. But I don't think it should. It must be wrong for a yoga teacher to be angry. She can not. This one I throw hard under the rug. Usually it comes along with anxiety. With the trial. With fear. And when things don't go my way. But this energy of anger is the same energy of motivation, of the impulse to go forward. It's the same energy of singing out loud, getting out of bed in the morning, practicing yoga with devotion, and being disciplined. It is the strength that makes fear come out. It is the digestive fire that transmutes. The same thing.
Gratitude, anger! teach me to love you. Because you are my strength. I need it.
Let the volcano explode. Without hurting anyone. Without turning to ash. Let it burn and take me closer and closer to the essence. It gives me strength to go on and believe.
Day 4: MY BODY
For many years I hated my body. Love was lacking. Comparing myself to all the other women I felt like the fattest, the ugliest, the messiest haired and the worst dressed. I didn't love my belly. My hair.
My dark circles. My very small breasts. My ass with cellulite. My hair.
My skin color wasn't good either… Man, it's a process of loving yourself, huh?! Speaks seriously! Now that I'm writing I realize how hard I am with myself. Feeling unhappy inside my body. There's space here. Here it generates life. Here's a heart. There's a hug. It has movement. It's healthy. It has everything working perfectly. It has teeth to smile. Eyes to see. Ears to listen. It has strong bones. It has clean blood. It has perfect digestion. It has gray matter. There's tension. And I'm learning to love. The scars. the hairs. the spots. the calluses. the limits. The colors. The smells. The sounds… Loving the place I inhabit. Gratitude for inhabiting this perfect place.
Day 5: Does that voice that says it's never good also exist in you? I don't love her too
But I think what she wants most is to be loved. After all, where does that voice come from? And who am I who hears that voice and feels overwhelmed? That dictating voice. Sometimes I call the internal police. Police or riot police. It comes screaming inside and saying that everything is wrong, including me writing publicly about all this. I will be judged. How will people react? Why expose myself like this? What voice to hear? Seriously though, I wish she would shut up and stop telling me that what I do is no good. But I'm learning to love.
For me this is a defect. It's not me, but it's there. Impossible to take. And since it's right there, better accept it and give it to something bigger. And learn to love. Like hugging a rebellious child. She just wants attention. The will is to ignore. But it doesn't work either. So I will hug. I'll tell you, it's good to vent and undress here.
It's scary. But it goes anyway. Love dissolves everything.
Day 6: ENVY. JEALOUSY
Who likes to admit they feel this way? Hahahahaha, I don't! But I feel. I do not like. Jealousy of people, of things. Envy. I wanted to be in the other's shoes and I completely ignore that this other one also had his fight. It looks like it's easy to be there. In fact, the hard part is wanting to do it all alone.
It's much easier with others. See others as brothers and not superior beings. Or inferior. I don't like this belief in myself that suddenly puts people on pedestals and then I walk away thinking I'm not worthy to be around them. Or putting myself on a pedestal and ignoring other people.
What is it about me, that categorizes me like that and keeps me away from so many people? I don't like that about me. I just discovered this. I still don't know what to say. Love dissolves everything. This anguish will pass. Only with love will it pass.
