"Did not work". Here is a commonly used statement referring to a terminated relationship. Statements of this type start from the mistaken idea that things must be eternal. Otherwise, it's because it "didn't work". Now! There is no such thing as a failed relationship. There is a finished relationship. A relationship that, when it became dysfunctional, was prudently interrupted.
At this point, you may be questioning, “But that doesn't make sense! By an antonymic logic, if something stopped going right, it is undeniably obvious that it started to go wrong!”. Calm down... and pay attention to the fact that the approach here is not in the semantic field, but in the perspective we have of relationships and endings, commonly arising from the myth of romantic love.
The so infamous “happy ending” is still synonymous for us with “and they lived happily ever after”. If it were revealed to us that, a few months after the well-known finale, Cinderella got tired of that monotony, took her share of the money and decided to share an apartment with her stepsisters, all that love lived between her and the Prince would lose its value for us, for it is only valid if it is “forever”, although not even life itself is. Not infrequently, a broken relationship is remembered (and evaluated) for the tragic outcome, and not for the years well lived. And, in this sense, the fact that history has come to an end leads us to consider everything else as wasted time, as if, to be worthwhile, things needed to be eternal.
It is obvious that no one embarks on a relationship thinking about the day it will end. Likewise, no one starts a new job thinking something like, "I want to get out of here in six months" or moves into a new house saying, "I'm only staying in this place until next year." At first, we invest in things with the aim of making them last, and this is natural and even healthy to a certain extent. But the fact is that one day we are fired or offered a better job; one day, the rent gets too salty, and we need to look for another property; one day, lifestyles, dreams, behaviors, worldviews no longer align… and we need to end certain relationships.
Of course, there are those relationships that already start “wrong”, so to speak. But these are separate cases, and even they, in some way, also fulfill their role in our journey. Generally speaking, though, relationships don't go wrong. They just stop working or provide us with something different from what we expected from them.
Wrong is the false idea of ​​eternity, which commonly leads us to throw in the garbage can everything that, although it has come to an end, was wonderful while it lasted (or that, even though it was never wonderful, at least taught us never to put us in a similar situation). It's sad to see people define as "failed" a relationship that even generated children! My God! If there are children, then it worked. If there was love or even lust, it worked, yes. If it was cool for two or three days, it's been great! If it taught us to make better choices, it worked. If it provided learning, maturation and self-knowledge, then it was worth it, it fulfilled its purpose, it worked…
This false idea of ​​eternity is very common in relationships, being present from the tattoo with the name of the partner to the life completely based on that partnership. But it's not just in relationships that this idea is present. You see, our way of living presupposes an illusion that life itself on this plane is eternal. We are simply not trained or mature enough to deal with the finitude of things. But the fact is that things are transitory, and this is an undeniable truth. And I think that the more aware we are of the inconsistency of things, the more likely we will be to establish firm foundations in ourselves, without building castles on sand foundations.
You know that phrase that says “It was good while it lasted”? Well, it's a cliché, but it expresses a truth that is wrongly contradicted by statements like “The relationship didn't work out”, “The romance failed” and the like. People are constantly changing, and it is smart – and even healthy – to recognize when the discrepancies, common in any meeting, are causing the relationship to collapse, when the interests are no longer the same, thus making it impossible to maintain a relationship. something that no longer makes sense.
In other words, even the agreement between both parties that the time has come for each to follow their own path is a sign of a healthy and successful relationship. Ending a relationship is sometimes revealed as a true act of love, as it often happens that there is love, but there is no possibility of aligning goals, values, expectations and the like. It is when the time comes to, out of love – love for the partner and self-love –, free the other and free yourself.
The intention here, however, is not to induce him to adopt ephemerality as a way of life from then on. On the contrary, what I intend to do is invite you to continue embarking on experiences with the intensity that they commonly demand and deserve. But, if such experiences come to an end, do not label them as failures, as this would be embarking on an untruth that only brings sadness and a sense of wasted time. On the contrary, from then on, commit to modalizing your speech whenever you refer to the past relationship, replacing “It didn’t work out” with “It was super nice and productive, but we had to discontinue it” or “It worked, but, when it started not working, we thought it was good to end it”.
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But it is to say this to yourself, and not to others, who have absolutely nothing to do with your life. It's not about proving anything to anyone, but knowing this internally, always aware that, humans that we are, sometimes we're going to suffer, sometimes we're going to cry, feel angry, hurt... And that's okay, because I I know it's hard… It's hard to look so inspiredly at a relationship we're still grieving over. It is difficult to conceive of an abusive relationship in this way (which no one should go through and which I in no way intend to romanticize here). Attributing meaning, however, can resignify and alleviate the pain of a painful experience. It is a paradigm shift that denotes gratitude to life for the lived experience and, above all, to the other, who went through a phase with us that, for some unknown reason, was so necessary to our learning process. This one is endless.
In this sense, let us not enter into a relationship with eternity as a goal, but rather to make it work, to evolve, to be happy and to make happy as long as possible, without ever forgetting the words of the poet: “May it not be immortal, since is flame / But let it be infinite while it lasts”.
