What I didn't know at the time is that strength has nothing to do with slamming the door, that guile has nothing to do with responding in kind or paying in kind. I hadn't understood that sensitivity, introspection, peace and some romanticism are not synonymous with weakness, and, precisely because I didn't understand, I gave up, defined myself as a failure, described myself as foolish, weak, sissy and the like. What happened there was a constant confrontation between what I was and what I thought I should be in order to be adequate and become something in life. The consequences of this you can already imagine: I developed a pain and an emptiness that became a dark pit into which I fell.
Currently, if it were up to me to give any advice, I would tell you to, first of all, listen to yourself, without fear of breaking the vast world that you are. It is certain that you will discover many ugly things, many rough edges, many traps created by your own mind. But what would be better? Going through a period of pain towards the reunion with yourself or living a lifetime of deceit, living a lie that kills you a little daily?
There are really good people willing to help, it's true, and it's worth listening to what these people have to say. But there are also an infinity of people who, deep down, are not really committed to its development, now and again throwing blows at it disguised as good advice or “constructive criticism”. These are people who are deeply dissatisfied with their own lives, so generally all they want is for you to live by their standards, for you to act on their playbooks. They are people who hate when you don't agree, because by living like this, by challenging their standards, you threaten to conquer the joy and calm that they haven't conquered for themselves.
But these people are definitely not bad… They are just not there, having lost themselves. And so, they use the same traps that you and I still use, often without realizing it...
I have, indeed, counted on the support of professionals, family and friends who witness my battle against the ghosts of my mind, aware that I have walked my path with strength and dignity. So, yes, seek help and accept the directions, because it's good and we need it. However, don't forget to listen to your stubborn inner voice and answer yourself: what makes me vibrate? What would I do or be if I could live selflessly, without the foolish need to meet other people's expectations or social standards? What direction would I take my life if I lived free from blind obedience to this invisible other that I myself projected? Would you go to college? Would I become a philosopher, hippie, lawyer, street sweeper, walker or transformist? Would it be happy or sad? Poet or writer? Would you enter politics or would you live a great love? After all, who am I?
There are days that are difficult, yes. Others don't… Sometimes we manage to defy our miseries, fear, pain and depression. Sometimes no. So it's not weakness not being able to get out of bed. It is not irresponsible to give up on things. It's not fussy to cry, be afraid, or fall in love. There's no shame in being what you are. Shame is not seeking to know yourself. Shame is not seeking to recognize what is really good and bad for you. Shame is adapting to the position of victim and not taking the risk of breaking new ground, uncovering one's own miseries. Shame is wasting life, standing in the audience and just watching it go by.
