Of control and reason, who gives up? 🆙

Being a mother or father is far from being easy and simple. I have already published some texts on this topic and I continue on this journey of reflection and how we are touched by these experiences in our family.

In this article, I want to bring up questions about control and reason, things we always want to have and whose motherhood/fatherhood constantly derails us.

Let's start with the control!

Who among us can say, without any doubt, that we don't try, don't like or don't want to control the situations, things and people around us?

Seeking control, having the sensation of having it, makes us feel safe, as if, with everything under control, we can go more peacefully through life.

Of control and reason, who gives up? — tomazl de Getty Images Signature / Canva

What happens if we observe our need for control in the act of mothering or fathering? How do we feel when we hear NO from our children? When we are not heard, when they challenge us, when they do not do what we want or ask?

I dare say that, inevitably, we take it personally, to the insecurity of not knowing how to deal, how to respond and how to react, we feel challenged and losing power. Fear, masked by the feeling of control, comes to the fore, and we react to corners with impatience, authoritarianism and little or no dialogue with our children.

We use our size, our critical and severe gaze, blackmail and the power we believe we have over a child. And the smaller the child, the more use we will make of this place of the boss.

We hardly stop and invite her for a chat.

We hardly look at our children and make room to hear why they don't want to do what, for us, is the best thing to do.

Here there is the meeting between the certainty that we know what is best and our need for control. A circuit is then established from this encounter, in which being right and the illusion of control feed each other continuously, and we remain confident that they must obey us without any questioning.

Having everything under control and being right about everything makes us authoritarian, distant, frightening fathers and mothers incapable of looking at the other as a singular, different and full of wisdom.

Children have wisdom, they feel, think, elaborate, question everything they access. They are free antennas that capture, retain and transmit everything that surrounds them. So, yes, we need to give voice to this knowledge and the times of each child.

They are not robots that must do everything the same, at the same age. Each one has its learning and elaboration time. Each one has its baggage and is part of a family and social circle that will affect their way of being and being in the world.

Each son and daughter are members of the family and, as such, they have the right to express themselves, disagree and want different things than the parents want. Dialogues are the best tools for weaving relationships of respect, love and trust, because if we open ourselves to listening, we will learn that THERE IS NO ONE way, ONE way to resolve it – on the contrary, THERE ARE VARIOUS possibilities.

I hear a lot of moms and dads complain that their kids don't do things when they're asked. But what about us, fathers and mothers, do we have patience? Do we stop to observe what is happening at that moment and why our children do not attend to us exactly at that moment?

How invasive are we adults? And selfish? impatient? Stubborn?

What if what we see in our children is nothing less than ourselves?

What if what our children feel – pressure, misunderstanding, loneliness, overwork – is exactly what we feel too?

Is it worth asking where these needs to be right and in control are taking us?

Is it worth recognizing that rules and agreements are fundamental, but there is room for deconstruction and reorganization, since we are always transforming?

How much does it cost us to doubt our certainties and let the other show us new possibilities?

Giving up control puts us face to face with our vulnerability, which, despite being extremely frightening, frees us from the inglorious task of living in mask.

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