An immature person is unable to accept what is different; gets annoyed when receiving a “no” for an answer; when contradicted, he attacks with acts or words; and demands that others have to accept her as she is. By the way, does this remind us of the adult person that she is or of a tantrum child?
Let's see. According to the Aurélio dictionary, the definition of “tantrum” is:
- 1. Insistence on the same idea or behavior;
- 2. Behavior or exaggerated reaction and without rational motivation, usually caused by a whim or an annoyance;
- 3. State of irritation or bad mood;
- 4. Dislike or antagonism towards something or someone;
- 5. break of good relations
It seems to us, then, that to be mature it is not enough to grow up and become an adult; needs to mature the emotions of the inner child. The closer we are to our immature inner child, the greater our inability to be in the adult role. The more we focus on ourselves, the more intolerant we become.
So let's imagine a child. She, at birth, is pure desire. For Freud, the baby is not capable of having a love object outside him. Immersed in what he calls “primary narcissism”, the newborn has only himself as an object of love. He still does not have the notion of the Self (see the text “Children who sleep with their parents: Mom’s warm and dangerous bed”), and it is through human relationships that he begins the path of building his individuality and that of ability to love. But this path is long… and in this process there may be some mishaps. Roughly speaking, excesses of affection in this child's history (or his precariousness) can make the formation of a mature personality very difficult, mainly because this person will have great difficulty in being considered. In this case, the other is always seen as the one who is there to give – and he is there to receive.
The need for constant receiving brings us closer to our egocentric side. Theologian Leonardo Boff, in his article “Intolerance in Spain and the world today”, shows that we live under the aegis of two polarities: light and shadow. Therefore, we can understand that we all carry qualities and imperfections. Understanding this way, it would be easier to live with differences and be more mature. For the theologian, being tolerant is when “it is necessary to opt for the bright pole and keep the dark one under control”.
Staying in the dark pole is making a choice for suffering, because the other will never fulfill all your desires. Staying at this pole is an option to remain in the child's emotional immaturity (remember “primary narcissism”?). And to opt for the luminous pole is to seek the path of understanding, of giving, of love; it's the decrease in focus on ourselves, it's maturity.
It is very common to hear, in the clinic, people complaining about how much they are not understood, how much they are not heard, how much they do not receive from others... .
The exercise is given: every day to reflect on how much I expect from others and how much I offer for free, without expecting anything in return. How much longer am I going to kick my feet? How committed am I to my inner makeover? For Mahatma Gandhi “the only possible revolution is within us”. Let's start now.
