When it comes to relationships, there is a tendency to put in as much effort as possible to make everything work out. But, what can you do to get around all the stress and keep the relationship happy in the first place?
Then comes the fear of losing that relationship – and then we start wearing masks. We hide little pieces of ourselves that we think our partner won't like; We pretend to feel something, when in fact it is the complete opposite of our pretended feeling; We avoid matters that we care about, so as not to cause an adverse emotional reaction; We withhold information that we care about so as not to cause problems; We edit when we speak and censor what we say.The first time you do or say something that scares you, even if there is a feeling of doubt, after you say or do it, it all evaporates! And eventually you forget about fear, and you start making a habit of it.
So what's wrong with hiding?
Your intentions are good, aren't they? You are only doing this to spare your partner's feelings and ensure the safety of your relationship despite everything.
It may seem like you're doing the right thing, but this behavior is really where things go wrong. Think about how many times you didn't want your partner to be completely honest with you.
When you habituate your mind and behavior, you are no longer aware of what you are doing. This means that you not only hide things that you think will hurt your partner, but you also censor information, leaving you unable to make decisions with all the facts in hand.
However, when you use honesty, you get amazing results for the future of both of you.
When you are in a situation of shock or trauma in your relationship, such as infidelity, there is absolute chaos, which disrupts your system. You don't know what to think and it seems like you're all over the place. If you look at your eyes in this situation, you would notice that they are running all over the place, in all directions. They are literally looking to your body/system/mind for information to help you process what you have just experienced. In NLP, it's called Transderivational Research.
So, you no longer have to worry about “how will he/she react?” because you already know! This makes your relationship easier, when the game is open, and decisions are made in a simpler way, eliminating the waste of time in critical situations.Open the way for communication. Why is it harder to say things the first time? If you stop talking out of fear of sounding wrong, trauma can take over you, and it's almost impossible to talk about the problem later.
It's hard to say what you think out loud about sensitive issues, but when there's trauma, you add fear, panic, oppression, anger, and frustration to this situation.
It's like practicing a speech. You have to say the words out loud and you have to start somewhere. And then you have to keep practicing until the words roll smoothly off your tongue and you can say them without fear or hesitation.
Talking about all the issues that involve the two of you is already the beginning of this practice. Once you discuss the topic of “infidelity” and show what it means to you, it is easier to approach your partner, as you already know your opinion on the subject, for example.
So instead of asking, “Are you cheating on me?”, which will likely start a fight, you can say, “Do you remember that conversation we had about infidelity? I've seen some things that worry me and I wanted to talk to you. I have a heavy mind on this matter and I wanted peace of mind. Let's talk?". This will really elevate the conversation.
Now you know: communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
- Text translated and adapted by Natalia Ianonne from the Eu Sem Fronteiras Team.
