Friends: what do they represent in our lives?

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“A friend is something to keep

Under seven keys

inside the heart”

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“A friend is something to keep

On the left side of the chest

Even if time and distance say no.”

Brandt/Milton Nascimento

Friendship is a very interesting feeling. He is not born overnight. It needs to be “sewn” day by day, thread by thread. I often heard my mother say that friends are like the fingers of your hand: few, but very valuable. As a young girl, I couldn't quite understand what she wanted to say to me. I thought her very reserved. For me, all those around me and with whom I lived cordially were my friends. But time taught me that it wasn't that simple. The relationships I established with some people in the study and work environments, in the family environment, in the social environment in general, brought me the illusion that I was a person rich in friendships. But, in fact, such “friendships” did not withstand time and distance. They emptied themselves.

In the current moment of social distancing, I recognized my true friends. Precisely on the verge of losing them or of death having stolen them from me. The human being only realizes the importance of something in his life when he is deprived of it. Selfishness and self-sufficiency cloud our perception of the importance of people in our brief existence. We do not know how to substantially enjoy this wonderful feeling: FRIENDSHIP, which is nothing more than such a special form of love.

I attended a lecture by the renowned philosopher Lúcia Helena Galvão on “Friendship according to Khalil Gibran.” He claims that there is no friendship without fraternity. Fraternity is the essence of true friendship. I think that's why we consider our true friends as brothers. It is not a friendship based on interests, benefits, social status and the exchange of favors. It is fueled by very significant values: loyalty, trust, respect, sincerity and truth. It is built on dialogue with the other. Only to true friends are we able to reveal our secrets and dreams and ask for their advice.

For Buddhism, friendship is an immeasurable good. In one of his discourses called Sigalovada Sutta, Buddha explained the difference between a good friend and a bad friend, or rather, an enemy disguised as a friend. He describes this false friend as someone who makes untrue compliments, offers little and asks for a lot, approaches for his own benefit, tries to win favors through empty words, but is not available and willing to provide solidary help or even support. to the person you call yourself a friend. A bad friend praises the supposed friend in his presence and reproves him in his absence. My generation calls the bad friend “the jaguar’s friend.”

According to the Jātaka Pāli, a set of popular stories concerning the Buddha's previous births, we need to take some precautions to maintain a good friendship. To this end, the Buddha not only gave invaluable advice, but also taught how to make your bonds stronger. Avoiding excessive intimacy, with very frequent visits or, on the contrary, never visiting friends are attitudes that should be avoided. Common sense is needed.

Friendship does not feed on trivial or superficial matters, nor with backbiting. Friendship is consolidated in the coexistence of moments of joy and sadness, of uncertainty and hope, of success and failure, of pain and overcoming pain. A friend is never ahead of another, nor behind him; he walks beside him and encircles him in his embrace. There is no room for true friendship between selfish, envious, underhanded people. Friendship is a spiritual encounter through which we help the other to grow as a human person, while growing together with him. To be a friend is to make yourself present in the life of the other in the form of a donation, without expecting or demanding recognition. Friendship is something so good, so precious, that only among friends do we feel truly happy.

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• Know what to do when your child has no friends

I am telling you all this, my dear reader, because I miss the friends I lovingly cultivated during my life. Some are gone, but I still have them with me. Others are still here and, despite the difficult times we are living, our friendship remains strong and irreplaceable, although silent because we no longer see or speak as often as before. But that doesn't matter because, as Gandhi said, "friendship is everything we show even in silence, because the best friends are those who even in silence make us happy."

It is true. Often, the best friend is the one who knows how to listen to us silently. His presence by our side is enough to comfort us. Friends like that are rare! Our best friends! Know our soul! Some are childhood or adolescence friends with whom we share unique moments of adventures, joys, pleasure, dreams…

Time is a great ally of friendship when we know how to take advantage of it to transform our bonds of friendship into blind knots that only death will be able to untie.