When we read the expression emotional responsibility, it is natural that the first reflection that comes to our mind is: “What do you mean we are responsible for what the other feels?”
It's a question that seems to be confusing, but it's actually simpler than we think. Emotional responsibility is about using this awareness to communicate with the other person clearly and directly about your own intentions and feelings in order to align expectations.
“But does that mean I have to take emotional responsibility to anyone I communicate with?”, you may wonder. But no, it's not always your role to exercise that responsibility over people who barely relate to you. Want to understand this issue better? Follow the article until the end!
What is emotional responsibility?
One thing is fact: It's impossible to be 100% responsible for someone's emotions all the time, considering there's a fine line between the feelings you cause and the feelings a person has for a variety of other reasons.
But emotional responsibility should be the main two-way street between you and anyone you have or are initiating an emotional bond with. And there is a very powerful tool to exercise this: the dialogue.
A classic example of lack of affective responsibility is love relationships that are in the beginning, when no one has made anything official yet, but one of the parties continues to feed false expectations without worrying about the impacts that these expectations can have on the other person.
Even when your intentions are minimal, being honest and letting on what you're willing to offer the other is your responsibility. This judgment becomes only the other person's when he chooses to have expectations even when the other sensibly communicates his goals and intentions within that relationship.
Even having love relationships as the most common examples of the need for affective responsibility, this duty arises for all parties within any type of relationship, be it family, professional and even friendship relationships.
How to practice emotional responsibility
The principle of emotional responsibility is in communication and has clarity and honesty as the main pillars. Once you understand that your words and actions create emotions and expectations in the other, you begin to pay more attention to your behavior.
Another trait that should not be left behind when talking about affective responsibility is empathy. Always think about what it would be like if you were in someone else's shoes, experiencing this wave of bad emotions that can be avoided with small attitudes. Not very cool, is it? So always align expectations!
Every relationship has its dynamics and trying to understand them is not an exact science. That's why we've separated some examples of emotional responsibility that can be applied in different types of relationships: in friendship, family and romantic love.
Emotional responsibility in the love relationship
Here we are talking about a much more intense love dynamic. Whether in a long-term relationship or a recent flirt, this type of relationship causes mixed feelings in both people.
There are two types of people who can put everything at risk in a love relationship: those who are emotionally dependent on the loved one and those who do not recognize the false expectations they generate in the other. When these two types of people meet, we have a volcano erupting.
Awareness of your emotional responsibility can make your relationship much healthier, with the power of communication and the natural movement of expression in that relationship. Feelings are put on the table and each can better understand what to do with their own issues and with the other's issue.
It's also important to keep in mind that the line between responsibility and guilt is fine, meaning there comes a time when it's no longer your fault if the person is sad, angry, or harboring any other negative emotion. But you are being emotionally responsible if you choose to welcome and understand the other's pain anyway, to avoid a sensitive zone between you. But, of course, this reception must remain within what is within your reach.
There are many discussions about affective responsibility when the scenario is the beginning of a relationship, those still undefined, such as dating and flirting. Who is more willing to take the first step? Who is just harboring expectations, but no intention of taking this relationship forward? Who is hurting or being hurt by the lack of honesty and communication that may occur during this phase?
This is a reflection that, again, will lead you to the basic principle of empathy: don't do to others what you wouldn't want them to do to you.
Emotional responsibility in friendship
Friendship, as it involves parties with no family or love bond, ends up being underestimated when it comes to emotions. Many believe that there is not such a solid commitment to involve the feeling of two friends, but this is wrong.
Any close relationship between humans involves emotions, so this should be looked at carefully in friendship as well. In this case, both parties have expectations about the other's attitudes and feelings.
A very common scenario in which there is a mismatch of intentions and expectations is when two people see their friendship shaken by the inclusion of a third party. Jealousy and feelings of exclusion and replacement can be reactions of one of these people, so it is important that each one reviews what the causes are and knows how to talk honestly about this problem without generating hurt.
Emotional responsibility in the family
Our family are people who have been with us since we were born. With all this intimacy and durability in a relationship, it's impossible for all parties to know how to handle emotions perfectly. And of course, at that core, someone was once responsible for the emotions of someone else in the family.
You may also like
- Discover the benefits of emotional intelligence
- Discover 5 tips to not create too many expectations in your mind
- Here are 4 ways to deal with anger and other negative emotions
- Do these things and get to know yourself better
- friendships that poison
In environments where communication has always failed, it is difficult to simply acquire this skill overnight. But recognizing where there is affective irresponsibility and talking about it with our family, who are the people closest to us, makes everything healthier.
A good example is in the relationship between parents and children. As children grow up, their quest for independence ends up generating emotions in their parents, putting a burden on everything that is said and done. Parents, in turn, place this burden of expectations on their children in ways they cannot control. This dynamic requires intelligence and emotional responsibility on both sides.
The harm that lack of emotional responsibility can cause
When there's no emotional responsibility in a relationship, there's always someone who gets hurt more. Often, these people who were traumatized by this type of relationship suffered intense manipulations and power maneuvers by the person who never knew how to recognize how much their attitudes impact the other's emotional.
These unhealthy relationships generate, in addition to trauma:
- Low self esteem;
- Emotional dependence;
- Difficulties in carrying out social relationships;
- Anxiety;
- Depression;
- Among other complications.
- One day we have to recognize
Yeah, maybe we have more to learn about our relationships than we realize. Have you ever stopped to think about the reactions and emotions that your attitudes or words caused? Have you ever thought about who are the people who have made you feel bad, without taking responsibility for it at the end of the day?
This learning and the ways of dealing with the other are taught every day in the school of life, where we learn from the falls. But the truth is that, from childhood, we are not taught to have emotional intelligence and skills to talk about our feelings.. That's why self-knowledge, with the help of a psychotherapy professional, can be a great ally on this journey!
