As a kid, I used to do well in school and my older brother didn't. And then the comparisons, they thought that putting me as an example could encourage him, but it was the opposite: my brother hated me and to this day we are not close.
Another important observation is that, often, parents worry too much about the child they unconsciously consider the “weaker”, words of a friend of mine who is already a grandmother. Truth be told! And well, they neglect raising the least problematic child, but they also forget that this child will need their support a lot.
This situation happened at my childhood best friend's house. She was the eldest daughter and the most responsible as well. This was quite complicated, because at the end of the day, her parents always worried about the youngest, who was the rebellious daughter.
What if it's an only child? Even more complicated! Not because the parents spoil a lot, on the contrary, I know cases where the parents were quite demanding with this child. They overloaded him with tasks, wanted his offspring to give him many grandchildren. Result: the son, at eighteen, passed a public college, moved to another state, got a job, because he didn't want to satisfy his parents and went to live his life. As time passed, this son hardly heard any news, the mother almost went into depression and the father complained about the absent son. Until, one fine day, he decided to do what all his friends encouraged him to do: “come out of the closet”. Did his parents accept it? Not. But time, as always, takes care of everything.
Another example is parents who invest dearly in their child's studies. I had a friend who decided to be a hairdresser and God help us! Why yes, she studied in the best schools, even learned to speak English and even went on an exchange trip, but she chose to be a micro-entrepreneur and, honestly, she is one of the best professionals in the field that I know. Her parents weren't too happy with this decision, but she was brave and, in the end, they had to accept it.
You know that story: raise children so that they will take care of you later in your old age? I'm sorry to say, but there are parents who often have 10 children and only one takes care of them, there are others who have only two and they both decided to take care of an asylum and there are also parents who have five children and all five take care of them and take turns. The point is that we don't know what God is going to send us, no matter how much we teach values, each child will have its own personality and each generation its different way of thinking.
Everyone criticizes the kangaroo generation. Some have already heard about the empty nest syndrome and its symptoms, but few show interest in the “mother alligator” theory, because it exists and Lacan already explained it very well. The problem is that some parents live so much for their children that they forget what they were like before their arrival and when the heirs decide to leave the house… it's a real drama.
The reality is that the child grows up and will no longer be as dependent as when he was two or four years old. One day he will leave home, because he too needs to live his life. Not that they will forget you, on the contrary, there are children who call every day, there are others who visit their parents on weekends and, unfortunately, there are those who even forget their mother's birthday, because they were too busy and they think that bringing an expensive gift (even a late one) will make up for the inconvenience caused. Well, some children really mean no harm, however, they are not obligated to live their whole lives for their parents and vice versa.
There are cases of daughters who inherit the same habits as their mother, unintentionally finding themselves frustrated, because they did not fulfill their dream of marriage, motherhood, or even the professional, and when the controlling parents leave, they realize that already in the house of the “enta” will have to deal with loneliness. The movie “Hi, my name is Doris”, starring actress Sally Field, shows what this is all about. It tells the story of a daughter accumulating objects, who chose to take care of her mother and did not do the same as her younger brother, who went to live his life. She realizes that time has stopped, but that time has not stopped for her.
The character is somewhat tragicomic, a 60-year-old woman who falls in love with a 30-year-old boy and behaves like a 13-year-old girl, simply because she has not allowed herself to experience these phases of life. Thanks to the overprotective and controlling mother she had, she didn't make a family or live out her youthful dreams.
the thought of mother alligator devouring it is impregnated with jealousy and emotional blackmail. She thinks she has the autonomy to get involved in raising her grandchildren, and when that child finally decides to have another life, this clueless grandmother and selfish mother continues with the same reasoning: “My son and grandson need one day they will take care of me too” or with his overzealousness: “No matter how old my son is, he will always be my little baby”. Be very careful, because you can ruin your son/daughter's married life, making your son-in-law/daughter-in-law hell - know that they are not obligated to put up with you and everything has a limit.
There is also another common case: the controlling father who thinks his children need to live close to him, who meddles, yes! He lives in his son's house, even without being invited, he intervenes in the couple's decisions... sorry, but from the moment your children get married, I'm sorry to say, but you start to have a secondary role and if you want to to be a good father-in-law, never give an opinion on anything, unless it is consulted beforehand by the daughter-in-law or son-in-law.
But it's not just the parents' fault, the children also contribute to it. There are even some cases of children who are very comfortable not leaving the house, because in adulthood, with liberal parents, it is enough to let them know that they are going to spend the night and everything is fine. They have the freedom to come and go as they please and all this leads to the rise of the kangaroo generation.
The adult son, who is even well employed and has his own car of the year, avoids certain financial and even emotional responsibilities. Some, already in their 30s, think that living in their parents' house is the best option, as they avoid paying maid, household expenses, taxes, etc.
It is evident that there are children who are not so freewheeling, they even help with expenses and help with household chores. Detail: some use the argument that they will only leave the house if it is to marry someone worthy. the problem of perfectionism transmitted by parents (“Nobody is ever your height”) ends up influencing the choice and the situation gets even worse, because the boyfriend they get is from the same generation and, in turn, will be demanding and will not tolerate certain difficulties of coexistence, which every couple goes through at the beginning.
Each person is created in a different way and when living with the other one will have to accept these differences and also the other's family. You can't override your relatives any more than the sicranian's — as much as you'd like to, think about it.
Other people already explain that they intend to invest more in their studies and career and that they don't think about building a family. There are also those who consider leaving home, but still think that financially there are not many benefits to take risks in times of crisis and prefer to spend on travel.
There are many who lead an incorrigibly bohemian life, who think that their parents are their safe haven and that they will live forever, and there are few who think about leaving home, but for some reason they do not develop the necessary courage, among other reasons, and leave it to in the near future (not so soon). It is the generation that lives more on theory than on practice, which suffers from precipitation.
“And the furniture will cost me a fortune! And the apartment, how will it be financed? What if I get married and it doesn't work out? How much will a divorce cost me? And the dog, who does he stay with? Will I have to share everything with him/her? And what did I spend time and money on this relationship? What if we have kids? Our! It’s a lot of unnecessary expense and suffering!”
They fear getting involved with someone, they fear getting hurt and they think they are “not obligated to do anything” and, in fact, they are not. Some even leave home when they feel challenged by parents or others. However, these children are not to blame for suffering like this. Nor will I judge parents who felt that being more friendly, more liberal, more protective, and less strict would help. And they really helped, because their children are much more mature than they are at the same age, they travel more, have time to study and have better opportunities in the job market, because they are single and have full availability.
Not forgetting those who give their parents a cruise, a car or even a house, but who live working, are absent and when they are with their family they rarely interact, because they do not have a social life other than their job. Unintentionally, they don't enjoy what they earn, they become workaholics, live in therapy, are depressive, addicted to the internet or even pharmaceutical drugs. They don't live like people their age, they lack energy, optimism. They have ideas and several ideals, however, they don't leave the paper: "When I have time, I'll do "swimming", "When I can, I'll book that nice restaurant near work", "When I want, I go clubbing with my friends, but not now, because I am very tired”.
There is also the case of the bohemian son, who in old age was left alone and understands that he needs to take a direction in life, because he no longer has his parents to be at home, waiting for him. He understands that he cannot compare his life with those of others, friends of the same age no longer frequent the same places as him, they lead a totally different life.
Before, young people wanted to leave home soon, because their parents were too strict, or because they didn't have their own room and privacy and needed to share with their other five or more siblings what little comfort they had, or they wanted to get rid of responsibilities like take care of younger siblings or help with the little they earned from household expenses, in addition to the household chores they were obliged to do, etc.
Parents in the 70's cared about a good education and didn't care if they weren't good friends with their kids because they knew their role very well. Does that mean I can't be friends with my son? Of course it is, but some specialists, such as the Argentine psychologist, Bernardo Stamateas, comments on this in the book “Toxic Passions” — he recommends not to confuse the roles and I believe he is absolutely right.
Nowadays, we have more material things than our parents had at our age, we are usually only children or have fewer siblings, families are not as large as they used to be due to common sense money, children usually have their own rooms, ready meals, cable TV and internet, clean and ironed clothes and less obligations.
This generation of the 60s and 70s just wanted freedom, not having to follow rules, coming home late, not being forced to do anything, etc. Some people even got married at that time, with this illusion of feeling free, when in fact a marriage could also be another prison for those who married only for this purpose.
And even with so many contraceptives, there were many young parents, who gave up many professional dreams because of their offspring, and this frustration generated the following thought in some parents: “Graduate first and then if you want, get married”. Or: “get married, but a child is for life, think carefully before putting one in the world”, etc.
So much recommendation has provided a kind of generation that reads the package insert, but that gives up taking the medication because they are impressed with the contraindications, despair with the allergic reactions caused. What good is so much education?
Well, what I'm getting at is a very common point: these young people from the 70's were fully aware that a simple look from their parents said it all, they really took any job opportunity that gave them a little money to share a room with friends. or even with acquaintances in large urban centers. In fact, they didn't care about luxury or comfort, because depending, they didn't have it in their parents' house.
They took more risks and weren't afraid to break their faces, because from an early age their parents gave them certain responsibilities that today's parents neglect. I'm not going to raise the banner of “slapping doesn't hurt”, sometimes, the excess beatings traumatized some children, who preferred to raise their own with a certain dialogue.
Talking is more recommended nowadays and non-physical punishment too, like having to study on the weekend and not go to the “so and so” party. Believe me, this punishment works with many teenagers still.
Be grateful if your children take care of you in their old age, understand that if they hire a nurse it's because they want to avoid some stress on others. What I'm going to say may seem terrible, but for some families, a sick or lucid (more grumpy) elderly person is a very heavy burden for a son-in-law or daughter-in-law and even for grandchildren, who no longer have patience. and they have their lives and occupations.
It's sad that some elders really feel that way within their family and when widowed they choose to go to an asylum because they don't want to bother. However, it is even more tragic when the children sell his house, without him being consulted and this same elderly person ends up living in favor of one or another relative as if he were a tennis ball, as in the movie “The Rock War”. It is disastrous when there is neglect on the part of relatives and unacceptable when that person is mistreated by anyone, because no family member has that right.
Understand that everything is a phase, children come and go, so encourage them to be happy people and not insecure. Motivate them to try to leave the house, even if sometimes they make mistakes and are disappointed, I guarantee that this will help them to have a life experience that no one and no book could provide.
It's hard to say this, but take charge of your life, because your role you've already played well. So it is with nature, when the chicks leave their nests and learn to fly… give them wings to fly away, don't cut them. Try to join learning groups that give you pleasure, it's never too late to learn, date a lot, travel, dream and help your children only when asked, your son-in-law and daughter-in-law will certainly thank you.
In the end, only memories are left, as material goods remain and will perhaps be the main fight of many heirs in the future. But you will no longer be there to see it. The end is inevitable, make your crossing with dignity and don't let anyone stagnant with your departure. Deep down, your kids don't deserve that and neither do you want that for them.
Know that we came into the world alone and we must leave it in the same way. Don't create expectations for your children, just want them to be happy.
