In recent times I went through challenging situations, strong enough to take me off the path I had been following for some years. I was out of my mind, totally unbalanced and disconnected, and the more I searched for a way out and answers, the more I lost myself. It's like they say quicksand works, the more we move trying to get out, the deeper we sink.
And that was exactly what was happening to me; inside my head, millions of voices echoed, simultaneously judging, blaming, punishing, discrediting me. When a soft welcoming sound tried to emerge, it was swallowed up by the relentless cries of “you can't do it!”
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But being on this journey for so long has meant a lot to me. In the end, How much knowledge have I acquired and how many transformations have I experienced? I had to take advantage of that, put the tools I have at hand into practice, and build my own lifeline.
I'll tell you what has worked for me here. If it makes sense to you, feel free to try it out:
I gave up control
"Like this?" you must be thinking. I charged myself a lot and kept repeating to myself all the time: “You need to improve, you need to get out of this, you need to solve these problems, you need to…” That is, I wanted to control everything that was happening to me at that moment and rationally. kept asking me to leave. And that was my first decision, simply accept that I wasn't okay and that I didn't need to do anything at that moment, except accept and trust that everything has its time, including suffering. I allowed myself to lose control, cry, curse, sleep, feel anger, deep sadness, revolt, until I didn't feel anything so intense anymore. I make the analogy of a pot full of emotions, I was there forcing the lid to not leak anything of what I was feeling. And when I decided not to control it anymore, to let the feelings flow, they started to fade and the pot to weigh less.
I breathed and meditated
I went back to practicing meditation and breathing to control my anxiety spikes. There are many videos on the internet that teach various very cool techniques. For me these practices work like the famous glass of water and sugar.
I started to assume my own truth regardless of other people's opinion. At this point, at the moment, I'm talking specifically about work. I have known exactly what I want for a while and I was sinking into a destructive rut by absorbing the external voices of: “this won’t pay your bills”, “but you need to think about your future”, “are you sure you will do it?” that, you have such a good job” etc. Finally I decided: No more waking up every day with tachycardia from having to be in a place that doesn't make any sense to my soul just because of money. It's like the self-responsibility for our own life. And what a delight to have to make my own decisions.
Strengthen my self-esteem
Jeez, this hard work to believe in ourselves and our potential. Believing in our perfection the way we are. That we are worthy of all the abundance in the Universe, worthy of genuine happiness. It takes a lot of work, but every day I think about something positive about myself and every time that “you're not good enough” voice comes around I breathe, smile and say in a loud and clear voice that “YES, I AM! ”
Anyway, what I want to bring in this text is that our soul is all the time signaling us, both positive and negative things, if we have a lump in our throat, if the smile comes out loose, if the body gets sick or if we develop something with lightness, if an invitation makes sense or if you find yourself being forced by the unknown.
Silence, deliver, trust and listen. It's cliché, corny and repetitive, but the answer will always be within us.
And after five months away from here I come back wishing that when you finish reading this text you may be feeling a little better than when you started reading it. That's exactly how I'm feeling typing these last words.
Namaste!
