Academically speaking, much has already been said about the process of training and information that every individual goes through, a subject that is explored to the point of exhaustion, even though it is so little understood when it escapes the academic environment to be taken into people's lives. This is because the approach is based on the difference between these terms without realizing that both do not go beyond the cause, and what matters most when talking about relationship is the consequence. To explain better: during the training or development period, we are just building the structure that will later be used to sustain our relationships with people, that is, how its practical application will happen.
So our approach here intends to go beyond the period of training and information we go through, but focusing on the “after” that results from it, translated as the quality of the relationships that we will establish. And how can we measure this quality? For the benefit brought to the people involved in terms of physical and emotional well-being resulting from the links that are established between them, from their approximation.
Still in the field of causes, there is a human vector that is independent and precedes the training and information phase, to which many attribute a character of its own “essence”. The essence of the individual would already be born with him, being constituted by the characteristics that will remain unchanged for life. And clearly it is the most difficult to understand among all human attributes, because not even the person will be able to understand when or how it came about: he only realizes that it is an intrinsic component of his worldview, it has always been present and served as a guide for think and act the way you do. So much so that often this awareness of one's own essence will happen much later, when the individual has reached full maturity or even old age. And it is on that day that one “looks in the rearview mirror” that pattern that has always been noticed in every reaction and in the most important moments of existence.
Many people will confuse this essence I referred to with what is considered a person's character. This is a mistake, because the character is forged by the knowledge that is accumulated in the first years of life, while the essence was already there before that, hence why the students of the human soul find it difficult to reach its understanding. Just to illustrate, in Eric Berne's definition, when elaborating his theory of "Transactional Analysis" - based on human behavior -, the researcher discovered that there were emotions that were already born with us, and that he called "primary or authentic emotions". These would be five in number: Joy, Sadness, Fear, Affection and Anger. These are innate reactions that every newborn already has since their nervous system is formed in the mother's womb, and they are very easy to see. It can be said, then, that the Essence would be the sixth emotional element added to the set, with the difference that not even the individual himself will realize this until a long time later. He will only perceive that certain things cause him a deep discomfort or, on the contrary, a wonderful feeling of fullness, without even understanding the reason for perceiving them that way.
But the question that should interest us is: is this good or is it bad? When talking about joy or affection, it is clear that it is about good things. And when we're dealing with sadness, fear, or anger, it's common sense that it's bad stuff. So why doesn't it happen the same way in relation to our essence? This answer, at least, is not as difficult as knowing its origin: the five emotions classified by Berne happen in the individual himself, independently of others, while his essence… ah! This he will only discover after feeling her in direct contact with the other's essence. This leads us to the conclusion that our essence is the only one of the innate emotional characteristics that depends on relationships to reveal itself to us. It is easy to know that the other five can originate from anything - living beings or not -, but the essence only happens in relation to another living being that also has it, being decisive to bring them closer or apart in a clearly perceptible way. and indelible. And why indelible? Now, if it doesn't change, it will be enough to identify who brings it totally contrary to yours to know that they will not be able to understand each other at any time, because it is not the type of mistake that we all make at different times, and that we usually understand as "mistakes". of route”. The incompatibility between essences would be intrinsically associated with the world view that we bring, and when they are shown to be irreconcilable, they can either translate into “personality conflicts” or “character flaws” (the latter, obviously, when they come up against ethical issues) .
Let's analyze a model that is quite common within the family, such as the difficulty of relationship between father and son, for example, due to the mismatch of their essences: a father who thinks and behaves in an incisive and authoritarian way due to his training, and a son who reacts very badly to this type of attitude, demanding explanations for his inflexible way of acting. Of course, they will hardly reach an understanding, unless one of the two seeks harmony with their own essence: either the father decides to mitigate his authoritarianism to get closer to the son, or the son dispenses with the demands of a less rigid treatment for some reason that consider important, such as your father's age or health, for example. It should be noted that neither of them had to give up their essence, but only “make a concession” in favor of something that proved to be important at that moment or in that specific situation for the proposed objective, which was to reduce the distance between them. This example shows a fairly frequent case of personality clashes, but not necessarily based on character issues.
But going back a little bit – there where the cause ends (formation and information) and the consequence begins (conformation or transformation). It can already be understood that the essence does not depend on being aware of it in order for it to manifest in individuals. When contradicted, she simply “reacts” within the person, triggering the alarm that there is an ongoing conflict waiting for a position from those involved, as in the example used between father and son. Such positioning will decide the type of communication between them. From there, it will be known whether there can be a harmonization, even if not of essence, but as a kind of “conscious pacification”. This comes as a “shield” placed at the service of the mental health of those involved when the relationship between them is being called into question. This “protection” as a result of choice may extend to the entire time of coexistence due to this awareness on the part of the parties, “positive” a relationship that could be conflictive if they did not engage in an “adjustment of conduct”. In other words, because it was the result of a conscious decision, the relationship will not produce any of those primary negative emotions from the Berne study that we talked about at the beginning: fear, sadness, or anger, if consented.
But there are cases in which the parties end up not reaping positive results, even with the effort of “pacification”, and here the relevance of the conscious decision on the part of those involved can be seen again. If everything came down to a superficial desire, not starting from the core of their emotional intelligence, instead of the desired transformation of posture, what will happen will only be a conformation, which occurs when the individual accepts the agreement from the outside in, but from the inside. out his essence keeps screaming that he didn't accept it. The person, in this case, will feel angry with himself for having given in, he may sink into sadness for having allowed himself to be convinced without thinking about the internal consequences, or even fear that he will not be able to carry out the agreement, and the situation will end up worse than before. This demonstrates the importance of awareness regarding the expected result: it can either produce harmonization with one's essence through a sensible choice, or generate a robust internal conflict and not result in any change in posture, as proposed.
Even with regard to essence – which many confuse with “nature” –, little is known about its real nature, unless we try to understand it from the perspective of spirituality. But there is a subtle - but consistent - difference between the two things: the nature could theoretically be molded, and the essence could not, because it is an integral part of being. Starting from this premise, the nature could receive both internal and external influences, but as far as the essence is concerned, we only “discover” it as it is, without exercising any kind of command over it. Could it be said, then, that the individual possessing a harmonious and positive essence would not tend to develop a “bad temper”? Theoretically this would prove to be true, because the first – which is the being itself – would not allow it. But the “unconsolidated” essence from conception, this one would be susceptible to the negative “shaping” of the nature, like a blank book in which the chosen type of life can write in it the next chapters of its trajectory.
- Find out what are the differences between character and personality?
- Open yourself up to reinventing who you are
- Learn to respect your existential process
- Delight in the lightness of life from a chronicle
Of course, in this respect, we are dealing with beliefs, not science. And in this unusual and unknown field, nothing can be said. What is taken as real from life narratives is that the essence - or nature of being - is gradually discovered by the individual himself, and somehow manages to be "captured" by others around him, depending on the degree of sensitivity of each. Confirmation of this essence would be obtained by the individual in the form of a subtle and subjective feeling, but extremely powerful, which creates an unequivocal rejection of everything that is contrary to it, as well as an instant empathy with those who bring it in the same molds. Hence, it is said that both essences simply “discover themselves” as a result of their attunement, and they themselves identify with each other, regardless of the choices of their holders.
This would explain why a certain person, at the first moment he makes contact with another, feels identified with him, even before obtaining any information about who he is; or, on the contrary, he finds himself harboring an internal rejection when approaching her, even though there is no concrete reason for such a feeling. Many will seek explanations for such reactions in the beliefs they bring: some spiritual residue from other lives, intuition, sixth sense, premonition, etc. Four hundred years ago, however, Giordano Bruno already stated that the fact of believing or not in something does not change the truth. So what matters less is how you interpret the phenomenon, but how you deal with it for your benefit and those with whom you relate, and this is what must be taken into account when evaluating its potential to change the whole trajectory of both.
