I walked through memories, visited each room hidden in these memories. I remembered the forgiveness exercise and tried to forgive the conflicts that were bothering me the most. Some I found to be easy, others not so much.
I asked for help. Anything.
Silence.
Silence?
Precisely! There was no silence. The peace she sought was precisely in the silence that she was not able to experience. Lots of questions and needs answers. Need to control the uncontrollable. How could she hear anything if she was making so much internal noise?
I challenged God at this point. I fell and didn't want to get up. Dealing with anxiety and feelings of failure are great challenges and full of learning, if we allow it.
I spent a few days suffering like an abandoned child. That child afraid of the dark.
And in this dark I remembered that I am light! Interesting how easy it is to forget something you are!
Even knowing and also forgetting, I revive that God is always my friend and even if I don't listen to him because of so many questions and complaints, He is always whispering to my heart the right words to welcome and calm me down.
We know that our journey is full of transformations. Some so subtle that we don't even notice when they happen. Others arrive so intense that they destroy us in such a way that we think it will not be possible to continue. I'm in one of these – from my point of view: devastating. Intense and profound transformation. That's why so much whirlwind of feelings inside my chest.
Because I have knowledge about my own history – writing helps me a lot here, I was able to name several things in this process. And in this self-analysis I realized that I hadn't listed my frustration. I also realized that I didn't put effort into my actions to change. They stayed on a dream plan and little action. I want to conquer, but I'm not dedicating the necessary effort. I also confused resilience; I thought I had… but I'm adamant. I'm controlling! A controlling person cannot be resilient. This concept was not clear to me. I felt that I had this ability of resilience, but when I became aware that this is not possible without flexibility, I had to review my behavior.
Browsing around anxiety I found that one of the triggers is perfectionism. And what is this damn thing? Among many things is the fear of suffering. Fear of not being perfect and consequently not being loved.
And to top it off, I've discovered that being worried all the time doesn't mean I'm zealous and careful. This is an illusion, a belief based on my experiences, on my life baggage.
The memory of love brought the calm needed to delve into me and find the answers. I've been through situations in the past where feelings are similar. On those occasions, I don't think I was prepared or even willing to face so much confrontation. I hid a lot under the rug.
Despite the pain of thinking I wouldn't be able to overcome it, I faced it in an equally intense way. But with one more ingredient: self-compassion. Welcoming my being with love and care was my lifeboat. I was able to get out of the bad waters that were drowning me. Saved in the raft of self-compassion, I was able to rest and begin my recovery to continue paddling.
Self-compassion has shown me that stepping back and not using certain techniques is also important. As a meditation practitioner for over 12 years, I know the benefits that the practice provides me, but only now have I noticed that because I got so off-track, my problem affected me a lot and the practice of meditation at this moment was making me very anxious and overly anxious. preoccupied with situations that only occur in my mind.
At this particular moment, meditation was enhancing my misperception of the situation – that it was magnified and unrealistic.
Maybe because I accepted to go through this moment in a more open way, I got scared, but I didn't give up. I found a different way to lead these days: through contemplation. Hiking – movement and love. Asking God's love to fill my heart and help me regain balance. And the answers began to arrive!
You might also like:
- Let the melody of life play in your heart
- Knowing my talents and the taste of apples
- Self-care - practice for health maintenance
I believe that self-knowledge can be painful and even dangerous at times. It is a dive into the depths of being, into the dark. Freefall… Being injured by thousands of needles simultaneously in all parts of the body.
This dive shows you the walls you built around your heart. He turns up the volume so that he can hear and hear their many complaints, hear the difficulty of dealing with the natural "no's" of life and some facts that didn't happen as he would have liked.
I'm on the reset, learning about the things I've hidden from myself, to actually experience a transformation and make room for new possibilities.
Such self-knowledge does this; lifts the dust and lets light in. Light and life.
