When I was fifteen, I wanted to be eighteen right away. For me, eighteen came as a promise of freedom. I imagine you thought something like this if you were born in the mid 60's... 70's... 80's, maybe not.
I had dreams. Lots of crazy dreams. And I believe you too. I still have them. Teenagers always dream about something. Teenage dreams can even be similar. In general, few of these dreams come true.
My adolescence was less hectic than a child might want. And more complicated than an adult can predict. Not easy. An adolescence full of mistakes, truncated by a lot of emotional responsibility before the time of maturation.
I grew up with the exact notion: to go beyond my limits only if it was to benefit the family collective. Or else, to bring home some gold medal. Done that honestly, I don't remember having done. Ever since I was a teenager, I can't think of individual benefits.
Either we all win or I prefer to lose.
I survived anxiety attacks, doubts, guilt, fears… for love, everything unnecessary, now I know.
He had a dramatic personality, too strong in contrast to low self-esteem. And a desire to lie in bed and die. Lazy too, indeed. Maybe that's why she didn't die, out of sheer laziness.
Around my thirties, already married and mother of 3 daughters, then yes, the bug caught! I had depression and, as a bonus, panic syndrome. Natureba with rational exceptions, I look for methods that I feel connected to, and in that search, I found homeopathy. Treatment started, in one of the consultations I heard from the doctor, Dr. Augusto, to whom I only have gratitude, the disconcerting and decisive warning for who I am today: “Easy to want to die, isn't it? It is difficult to have the courage to live.”
A punch to the nose would have warped my face less. Anyway, how it turned out, for sure!
Since then, I've twisted my neck, looked around and decided to live. Opponents on the way? Many!
From the imaginary to the real and the most cruel: me.
I did tai chi to cure myself of depression and panic. With martial arts, I learned a few rules. One of them is to take advantage of the energy released in the opponent's blows, transmute this energy into strength to win the fight. Another principle is not to lose your balance. 100% support on the feet, even if at some point one of them is not on the floor.
I don't really like rules. But I admit they serve to put order in a possible mess. I have a rule I like, learned from my tai chi master, Daniel Lee: joy and sadness are on an imaginary scale, we can never put more weight on either side. Emotions must always be balanced. Remember when you were up to something and your mother said: “You're laughing a lot, I can already see it: soon you're going to cry”? If yours didn't say that, lucky you.
Simple example of lack of balance: My mother had two strokes. The first, hemorrhagic: she argued with the bank manager. The next day, she went down to the hospital. The second, ischemic: Marcelo, my brother, commented that he was going to be a father. The next day, he went down to the hospital. Believe me: anger and misplaced joy were responsible for the damage!
It is not difficult to understand.
Everything passes, and we pay with the effects of our actions. We can be the sketch or the artwork. The artists are us. We have the tools provided by the Great Creator.
What you want is beyond the veil of illusion. There is no correct model to follow. There are formulas that can be learned, but there is no perfect recipe.
The first thing I put into my daily practice was the “don't blame me, and don't blame me”. That's not to say I'm forgiving of all my mistakes. If I was wrong, I was wrong and that's it. I am honest and fair with myself. Don't blame me for your mistake. If you made a mistake, be honest with yourself. I don't mistreat myself anymore. I don't allow myself to be mistreated.
I look for the middle ground between being relaxed and attentive. I learned to contemplate and, later, to do. I learned to focus my mind on goals. I also learned: if I don't have a goal at the moment, damn it, I'll wait for another moment. Not all my goals will come true. And even then, my reality can be even better. Everything is fine. Not all time solves. Sorry if they said otherwise. I believe that time passes, but we are the ones who decide.
I already gained a year in a day well lived. I've already lost a year in bad days. I stopped teaching neurosis, almost obligatory to live every second intensely. I just live. Intensely or not.
Fully yes, I live!
If I feel like it, I waste my time. I surrender to the leisure of contemplation. Then I enjoy the fullness of movement. So naturally the action happens. I don't have to, I don't need to be tachycardically happy all the time. I'm happy, a lot, but not every day is a circus day.
Suffering can be real or imaginary invention. I suffer to the extent, if it's real. Detachment from suffering, if it is excess creativity in my head.
Detachment from very bouncy joys and superficial emotions.
I don't create BIG expectations. Neither for me nor for others. Expectations are healthy in the right measure and as a reminder of the possible.
Furthermore, everything is transitory. In transit. Illusory.
What's left? What do you think really gets, as a synopsis of so much information on your timeline?
It's just what it is. What Is is independent of matter and momentary joy.
It is your essence freed from the Ego. It is the pleasure that we are looking for so much.
Oops, this IS real. Is that you!
You may also like another article by this author. Access: Day of Greetings
