It is common and cliché that at each end of the year people reflect on the meaning that the year had in their lives. I was thinking: should I write something like that or not? Wouldn't that be so obvious? One of my favorite authors (Nelson Rodrigues) had a friend who used an expression often: obvious howling. This is often what we need: the obvious.
The year 2020 has undoubtedly taken everyone by surprise. We were living life as it always was and suddenly there was news of a crazy virus that was killing a lot of people. It was scary, especially the news from Italy.
I remember that I was celebrating my mother's birthday in January, and she commented over the top about a virus that was killing people in China, which I didn't even give that much importance to. It was in China, man! There, so far away. Selfish, huh?
And in a short time this public health problem was taking over the world, reaching España… and what we never imagined would happen here we were already forced to live. Social isolation, mask use, alcohol gel, which for me was absolutely a fictional script à la Jack Torrance in “The Shining”… (laughs).
sincerity with yourself
For a good few months I lived as best I could and until then everything was going well. Some activities that used to be so pleasurable in person were no longer part of my life, but that's ok… That's over! No, it wasn't and isn't quite like that.
This text would perhaps be much more appropriate for my blog than here, in Eu Sem Fronteiras, but this is where it has to be, because I want to talk about the greatest chaos that we can experience, which is falling into oneself or overturning. borders in itself.
Throughout the year I was throwing all the mud of my life under somewhere I couldn't see. I thought it would be like that, just fine, but things were suddenly becoming unbearable.
In online therapies, I walked to the edges of the problem with the therapist, talking only what I thought was relevant about my own self. I still hadn't fully realized it.
Did you live on automatic? I do. One day at a time, as was possible. Gradually, it became more and more chaotic to exist, until the day I considered the possibility of literally disappearing from this world, for not being able to bear my swallowed pains.
The year 2020 exposed my wounds, wounds. It made me see what was obvious and what I ignored. My emotional health couldn't resist so much self-sabotage, so much lack of love for who I am. I literally broke down.
A book I wrote in 2017 only makes sense to me now, because as a writer we create stories and think it's always for people, but it's actually a lot about who we are or what we need to do about ourselves.
vision about you
The year 2020 made me see who I am. At the height of my chaos, seeing myself in the mirror, for the first time I saw myself as a woman, I didn't see myself under the scrutiny of something that seemed feminine. I saw myself as a woman, with all my pain, with all my flaws, with all my madness.
If there's one thing in this life that requires courage, it's showing off. It's this baring of the soul, which somehow I did via writing, but the year 2020 made me understand that I need to learn to be naked in my soul in life. The Universe made me surrender to it, made me understand that it's not like that, one day at a time is a day that I create myself at a time.
I had countless uncertainties, certainties, I felt every end of my soul in pain and it's not metaphorical use, it's real. The soul can hurt. The physical body is less real than the spirit and soul we carry.
The year 2020 broke me into many pieces, made me fall off a deep cliff, forced me to make deals with myself so that I could continue on the journey. I am not talking about this physical death, which is also so feared, but about the death of oneself, while one lives.
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be real
Who am I really? This has hammered me a lot in the last few months. But in the mirror, when I saw myself as a woman for the first time, I realized something about who I am that is worth sharing, because maybe it's something that makes sense to you now or in the future.
I gave birth to myself in pain and a woman was born to pieces. I've already experienced motherhood myself. It may sound crazy, whatever. But that's what the year 2020 did, it made me see who I am, I chose it that way. And I'm connecting piece by piece little by little.
The body responds to our emotions, to the state of our soul. We can mask ourselves to the world, but you can't be a fake all your life. You can't live in this hide-and-seek with yourself forever.
I learned to accept my tension in a more welcoming way, and that it is necessary not only to say what you feel but to live what you feel.
The year 2020 made me know the hell that dwells in me. It made me see a hidden side of myself. The side I.
Believe me, this text is not just about me. Letting himself be completely broken is the most important act a human can allow himself to one day see himself as he is in the mirror of truth.
