I imagine that all of us at some point in our lives have been in a relationship with someone we only realized too late, who wasn't the right person. We go through this experience blinded by passion, until things start to go wrong in a way that opens our eyes, and we usually don't wake up to reality until we've been involved for a while with that person who really doesn't suit us.
Of course, sometimes you can end up with the wrong person just by chance. But when we take the time to analyze situations properly, we realize that there are reasons why relationships work the way they do. Especially when you find yourself getting into a vicious cycle, attracting the wrong people one after another with no luck, it would be good for you to start considering that this might not just be a coincidence. Then, why are you attracting the wrong people?
Because we're not real when we're trying to attract someone.
Most would say that there are multiple versions of who we are depending on the situation we're in, where we're at, or what we're trying to demonstrate. There's that profile that we all aspire to be all the time, smart, funny, interesting and fun, that perfect person to be around. This is what we usually try to show to the world and to our possible future companions.
There are other versions, the one that gets angry quickly and holds grudges for a long time, or maybe you struggle with your own image and possibly hide a depression, or you can be very sensitive and emotional. The truth is that our true, authentic and most precious version is probably partly the ideal profile we want to be and partly the flawed and bruised version we try so hard to hide from others.
Now, it's easy for that flawed version of you to take over, especially if you're hurt or traumatized by some romantic experience. Your wounded self seeks to protect itself by projecting its bad experiences and pain from its past onto its new partners. This side of you is likely to act out of desperation, out of fear of loneliness, out of not wanting to be alone.
What you must remember at all times is that this true, authentic (and amazing) you deserves to be with someone who is truly the right person, not just the right person "for now". Your true self is the best and that genuine version of you is what people will be drawn to. This version of you is independent and strong, alone or not. Never desperate or impulsive.
If you give too much power to your flawed self, you'll end up settling for whoever comes with it, without considering whether that person is a good person for you or not. If you allow your other side to gain too much space, you can end up isolating yourself, so what really matters is finding the balance between these two parts.
Therefore, in the search for reconciliation with our true selves and in order to attract the right people into our lives, we need to learn to walk this tightrope. Learning that all of these are lessons from the past and our hopes for the future. The secret is to remember what you learned, the mistakes you made... But to forgive yourself, value yourself, and know that you deserve the love of someone who understands you completely.
Once you find the balance between your versions, it's very unlikely that you'll walk the same path you did in your past or make the same bad decisions. You will have a clearer view of your surroundings and you will be able to feel when you find the right person to be your mate. When you take action and strive to understand yourself better, have no doubt that you will reap the rewards of this attitude in many ways.
- Text written by Amanda Magliaro from the Eu Sem Fronteiras Team.
