I needed more than that cheap wine at the end of the night. I knew I had to be somewhere more suitable, more comfortable and at least have space to expose my feelings, my furniture and my heart.
I wanted a little more calm. In fact, I'd like a rehab. I'm lying here on this floor, my heart is in the dark.
Damn… Who was it that said the heart doesn't feel pain? You must never have had your heart broken, my friend. Well, calm down, calm down...
– “Breathe!”
Oh my God, something else you said you couldn't bear in me:
– “Wow, why every time you get nervous, you put English words in the middle?”
Do you want to know why I put? Because I love English, my love, it completes me, I'm free, I think it's fantastic. I Love It.
By the way, what a bag, what a piece of shit. You didn't do anything different, you didn't dare. Want to know one more truth? I never got to the end with you.
Breathe!
But the focus here is not the two years without reaching the finals. Not even! I let you cover my voice, I canceled myself to the point that even I couldn't find myself again. I had no map, no bread crumbs to find my way back.
There were the crumbs of my heart, right?
Over time I lost myself… With each passing day, I looked more and more like the creature you had engineered in your thoughts. Now you're gone and I'm in the gutter. Dirty and rotten.
Breathe!
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But I need to confess a few more things to you: in the middle of this living room, lying down, bursting into tears, I started to reflect on some questions.
It wasn't entirely your fault on this little shit lover.
I weakened, I exposed myself in such a way that you knew every little detail of my being. I told you the fear I felt when I found myself in the dark. The fear I felt when I found myself alone in the times I found myself crying for no apparent reason. The way I felt ashamed to expose myself in certain situations for fear of what they would think.
I gave him complete freedom to change my life, my plans, my cell phone and modify what he thought necessary. I excluded my friends because you said you didn't trust them. I gave my dog away because you just didn't like animals. You didn't like my plants either – and I loved those rosebushes. No, I can't forget to mention the incense sticks I didn't light, because you just didn't like the smell. I stopped meditating, something that renewed my spirit, since for you it was all bullshit. You didn't like my little fish either. Said they were useless. I sold the fishbowl and bought a ridiculous shirt you wanted for your birthday.
I stopped listening to Ozaki Yutaka and others because you said there was no point in liking that style of music. I stopped seeing my parents so often. I didn't practice therapy cooking anymore because you preferred a restaurant.
Breathe!
I turned inside out. In the end, I felt more like you, what you envisioned. Arriving at this moment, I realized that it wasn't love, that it was anything but love. I came apart and assembled an unrecognizable person. But I couldn't anymore, I can't anymore.
Now, here in this living room, I'm touching deep inside this wound, this hole. I'm just calm. I'm turning around again. In a slow and painful process, but I need to tell you:
Tonight I'm not scared to find myself here alone, in fact I'm even managing to smile. And I'm loving, really loving, now with all my strength, and being as "me" as I could be. And in case you want to know that love has a name, it's called self-love. I love myself so much now that I know I don't need someone to turn me into something to be loved.
And this is the best feeling I could ever have!
