Why does this lack of tuning happen? First, we need to analyze our motivations for starting a relationship: neediness, acute passion, admiration for the other, common interests, etc. Everything is valid to trigger in us that spectacular impulse that makes our pupils dilate and our mind focus on all the points in common with the other. What an impressive thing this ability we have, when in love, to see qualities and affinities and how they can suddenly disappear from our field of vision over time and give way to questions like: “my God, where was I with the head?". I get to laugh here remembering my own experiences.
The good thing is that every experience gives us valuable learning opportunities. And over time we learn to “read the signs”, which deep down were obvious from the beginning and we don't see why we were so fixated on the ideal, that we created ourselves, about the person we were interested in at the moment that we simply rejected, consciously or unconsciously these signals.
And sometimes we do worse: we enter a relationship aware of the “flaws” of the other and create the illusion that we will be able to change that in the person. I make a point of treating the term defects in quotation marks because I consider that they can actually be characteristics, interpreted as defects by some and a lifestyle by others. Therein lies the “x” of the question.
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Imagine the danger of wanting to change something in a person that not even he himself recognizes as a problem, but that can be a characteristic that the person carries with him in his family records (genetics), type of upbringing, references or mental programming that serve as emotional defenses for her to face life. Look at the trouble we get into when we want to change someone or force an adjustment to meet our expectations.
What we can actually do is seek to AWAKEN broader visions. We can do this by building scenarios with our partner, suggesting a context without the elements that we consider flaws in him/her. After that, we must analyze the new perceptions and reactions of the other regarding this “new world”. From these reactions we will know whether she sympathizes or not with this scenario and how much she really sees herself in it, not to please us, but for the mere pleasure of enjoying personal achievements around this context.
It is necessary to dream together! When I say “dream”, I mean planning built around a common purpose. This is what underpins a relationship: the meaning behind each mile walked side by side.
Reflect on it. Observe couples living in harmony. I know some. You certainly have at least one around. Try asking these people what makes them stay together and have a healthy relationship. You will probably hear the same answer I got: “The decision to stay together, combined with admiration for each other in certain aspects and common ideals.”
These may be some of the criteria that feed the harmony that I defend so much.
Believe it: we need it to dance the songs that life plays. Sometimes in a salsa rhythm, sometimes a tango, sometimes a waltz and in various symphonies, rhythms and tones. Each couple is a pair of “dancers”, who need to dance together to the same song and for that they need to be tuned to the same station. It will certainly happen, at some point, that one or both of them lose their rhythm or balance and get stuck in the dance. It takes willingness to hit the step, not to step on your partner and even the people around you.
If you want to enter and enjoy the spectacular dance of life together, you will have to align the step as many times as necessary, synchronize the rhythm under the same tune. This is a daily workout. For that, it will be necessary to always be willing to adjust the pace, but without wanting to dictate the other's. There will be times when you will lead the dance, and other times you will be led.
May you have rhythm, sense of humor and team spirit to enjoy the best in life that starts with two and can multiply and form a great dance.
