I see many, many women and I know — exactly — that it is a toxic and abusive relationship. At least that's what I thought. Until it happens to me.
It turns out that there is a difference between these two things. An abusive relationship is, yes, toxic, but a relationship can be toxic without being abusive.
By abuse we mean the things that one spouse does to the other that constitute physical, emotional and psychological abuse. And usually these labels are well-written, so anyone can tell if they're in a relationship like this.
But in toxic relationships, open abuse may not happen, the one that shows us that there is a villain and a good guy. Sometimes the relationship can even be toxic for both parties.
I don't like to put anyone in the role of victim, least of all myself. I noticed that I stayed too long on something that was obviously—now I know—no longer saved. And what happens is that when we get too much, even what could have turned out to be good becomes toxic.
The question is how to practice detachment. Sometimes, the other will shy away and hide in something that legally may not be considered abuse (and if it was, it would be very difficult to prove). But that makes you sick.
Absences, silences and absences can also become abusive. The person lying to your face, even if you know the truth, is abusive. But they are subtle abuses, which seem little, yet they hurt. Here we have something that cannot be considered abusive, but is toxic.
All relationships have problems. And yes, one day or another you might cry over something that happened. But if this is getting huge and taking up more of the couple's time than the good stuff, it's toxic and needs to end. Insisting on it will only make things worse to the point where it starts to destroy you: your self-esteem, your self-confidence and, ultimately, it will mess up your whole life. And yes, it is difficult to understand and, especially, to accept, after all, the other is not doing anything, right?
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If it hurts more than it generates pleasure, run for the hills. Very, very quickly, because the tsunami is coming. If it takes your peace, brings anguish, brings more uncertainties than security, the other is no longer good for you. If it served you one day, and it changed (yes, people change for the worse too), say thank you and move on. Rebuild what destroyed you and don't let it get to the point where it becomes too difficult or even impossible to remake.
The evil in the other must stay with the other. Don't carry it with you.
