In context, I had depression since I was 12 years old and, between a crisis here and another there, I almost became an atheist, I couldn't believe there was a god out there that would allow such immense pain inside someone. Before that, since childhood, I was always very well accompanied by weird dreams, figures, voices and those things that children usually go through, right?
Over time, I grew up and, even though I was raised in an evangelical family, I always had an immense facility in attracting Spiritist, Umbanda, Wiccan friends and I was fascinated with everything they shared with me. Curious as I am, I went after researching the subjects, but I was always afraid because of my upbringing. It was basically the book of wicca in one hand and the bible in the other.
So far so good! But the year I turned 18, on December 31, 2014, I was walking home from work and, on the bus, I had my first panic disorder, and this crisis lasted throughout 2015 and, between one crisis and another, I was no longer able to stay at home alone, taking a shower was impossible if my mother was not at home, and the sleep paralysis (which I actually I've had my whole life) have become more frequent and scarier than ever.
For every night that I "slept with the little angels", I slept another twenty well accompanied by the "demons".
Well, with that I started to searching madly for ways to heal myself and I believe that's where my awakening began. A friend of mine at the time introduced me to spiritism and to Mahikari, which is an oriental religious movement, and I went, between passes and the Okiyomes (a kind of Mahikari pass) I was oscillating between “I am very well” and “ My goodness, I'm going to die."
This happened at the end of 2015. At that time, I ended a two-year relationship and, in less than three months, I started another one. This painful breakup, along with the troubled beginning of the other relationship, resulted in two years of guilt, questioning, emptiness, lack of love, lack of self-esteem and a huge list of bad things. That same year, 2016, I started college.
Why am I telling you all this? Why, when I thought that my limit was the panic syndrome, I discovered that I could still go deeper into that well and I went down, I went down like hell, but that's ok, because it was at that moment that I decided that I was going to find a way to clean up this whole mess.
One thing I find interesting to say is that: when I started my spiritual journey, I believed that it was enough for me to “spiritualize” that my pain would cease, that everything would be simple, that I would see angels all the time, I would have peace, love and prosperity. .
But what they didn't tell me and what I'm going to tell you now, so that you don't delude yourselves as I did, is that: we still live on a dual planet (for how long, I don't know), moreover, we are full of limiting beliefs, patterns, remorse, we keep hatred in our hearts for many people and situations (that's just this life, not to mention those of past lives that we don't remember), apart from karma, folks.
"Oh but I'm indigo, I'm crystal, why am I suffering too?"Well, my friends, nobody counts, but even the enlightened children who came to help in the awakening of humanity bring with them karma, things to learn, among other things.
Going back to the pain of my awakening… from 2016 until the end of 2017, my life was simply about studying. I devoured content from everything you can imagine about Umbanda, about dimensions, energies, divine magic, oracles, self-knowledge, I read books by Robson Pinheiro, Rubens Saraceni, meditated, talked to guides, I went from the extreme of my hate to the extreme of my kindness, I got spiritualized to the core and guess what? Yet life has not become a bed of roses.
Finally, this year I let the matter go a bit. I ended the relationship, changed jobs and decided to live lighter, without looking to be evolved, I just focused on trying to find out who I was, what I liked, what actually makes me feel good and what doesn't. I started therapy and, man, guess what, now I'm starting to find peace.
Honestly, from what I've seen in this life, the awakening process is very different for everyone, but it always comes with a formula: the person is conditioned to the extreme of some pain that makes them look for a way to heal and, from then on, each one follows a different story, but which, luckily, always ends in a good ending.I don't believe I'm awake yet, but I know that today I am a little bit more than I was yesterday and that I will continue to wake up a little bit each day.
Finally, I have some advice for you: waking up hurts, it hurts the ego, you will realize how much prejudice you have inside you (both with others and with yourself), you will realize that money is not everything and, when the illusion starts to break, it hurts even more, because you realize how much time wasted suffering, judging, trying to be what you were not, arguing , look… the reasons why your ego hurts when it wakes up goes far.
But don't be scared, because at the same time your ego hurts you, you start to see the world with different eyes and see more color in flowers, you fall in love with people not for their appearance but for their essence, you stop argue for nothing, because it doesn't matter, you don't have to be totally right all the time.
Breaking through the darkness hurts, finding the balance between your darkness and your light hurts even more, but believe me, when you understand that you need the light and the shadows to be complete, when you surrender your body and your spirit to the forces of the universe to guide, you come to thank you for having gone through the pain of awakening, because there is nothing more wonderful in this world than looking at the sky and nature and no longer being different from them, because you finally realized that you are ONE. You finally realize that you are God and that you are love.
