The mental health of an individual necessarily passes through his childhood, a crucial phase in his life, which will determine a series of behaviors and ways in which he deals with situations and issues of the past.
And, when talking about an emotionally secure childhood, two people are essential in this process: the parents. More specifically speaking, the mother is the central figure in one's life, especially in the first months and years of life.
It is our relationship with our mother that will dictate our relationship with the world in several areas of our lives: work, friendship and love relationships. It is what will determine the person we will be in adult life.
The bond that starts in the belly
The relationship between mother and child occurs, most of the time, in the discovery of pregnancy. As the baby grows inside the uterus, the woman's body undergoes changes, many of them quite drastic. This is the body instinctively getting ready to house and protect this new being that is to come.
And this is not just a matter of “accommodation”. Scientists at London's Royal Holloway University conducted research that found that pregnant women tend to use the right side of the brain more, which is the part that is responsible for controlling our emotions. Broadly speaking, this means that this change allows the mother to be neurologically prepared to bond with her baby at birth. And all that emotional sensitization makes a huge impact when she sees his face for the first time, spurring that intense connection.
The mother's voice is also an excellent soothing for the baby and that's still in the belly. With newborns, it even promotes a significant reduction in their heart rate, reassuring them. Another power that the maternal voice also has is that of helping premature babies to eat better – this was the conclusion of a study carried out by Vanderbilt University (USA) in 2013.
mother extension
The baby's connection to the mother continues even after birth. The umbilical cord can be cut, but up to 6 months of age it still feels like an extension of the mother, and individuality is an ability that takes years to form.
Therefore, at this stage, in which the child tends to identify completely with the caregiver, it is essential to develop all forms of attention and affection. Seeking to strengthen the bond is fundamental. That's why, at a young age, the mother's presence in the upbringing needs to be frequent. Not only at this stage when the baby is still very attached to her, but at all developmental milestones.
The removal of the mother figure can bring several behavioral problems still in childhood, but that can extend into adulthood. The presence of a child's lifeless mother stimulates their emotional intelligence, favoring the expression of feelings and emotions, which influences not only their cognitive abilities, but also their self-control.
Not to mention that the power of women's voice within the family, as an educational part of great relevance, allows male children to build a behavior less centered on machismo. The American Psychological Association conducted a study that shows that children raised close to their mothers tend not to reproduce gender stereotypes.
Mothers in today's world
In the ideal world, the mother's integral presence in the children's lives would be the best choice for creating emotionally healthy individuals and, consequently, a much better world in which to live.
It's no wonder that we always play with the "superpowers" of mothers managing anything in life. There is even a meme that was used a lot during the new coronavirus pandemic, when the vaccination process began, in which it was said: “If they had put a mother to take care of this, everyone would be vaccinated, bathed and wrapped, ready to quit".
And this is more than true. In today's world, however, where women enjoy many achievements that were once male “privileges”, we have a new vision of this caregiver.
Today's mother does not suffer only in paradise. She left that space and began to suffer the pains and delights of being a modern woman with children: she takes care of the house, works outside (or in a home office), takes care of herself and has a series of other activities.
And although she has so many achievements and independence, the woman still seems to be haunted by guilt. The guilt of dedicating too much to work and appearing to be a relapsed mother or giving up a professional dream to dedicate herself to motherhood.
And, even if she reaches a middle ground, being the woman who transits between these two worlds, which are inseparable – it is a mistake to think that they are different things –, the woman still feels the double guilt for having to “turn around 30” to give an account of all the multiple journeys that have brought her to a world that has modernized, but that she forgot to warn many men.
Calm down! If you fall into this situation, it's not the end of the world, you can keep working and giving the necessary attention for your child to develop and create a healthy mind. Just don't try to be a multitasker, because we don't need to be superheroes.
In this way, reaching the end of an exhausting routine, which is that of a working mother, is an almost impossible mission. On the other hand, there's a way to manage this without it looking like you're trying to put out a fire. Here are some tips that can ease that burden.
- You are not a superhero
As we said above, your child needs a mother, not a wonder woman. The image of powerful warriors, who are always there for whatever comes and goes, only feeds the idea that we have to take care of everything, often reaching physical and emotional exhaustion. Don't cover yourself for it, so look at yourself with more compassion. You are human and your children admire you even with your imperfections.
- Get organized honestly
Try to organize a schedule that you can stick to. Leave everything organized for the next day. Don't fall into the trap of doing a weekly mega-organization, because then we're back to the first topic, the superpowers you don't need to have. Just leave everything organized the day before, both the work routine (if you work from home) and the menu and other more predictable activities.
- Don't take on more work than you can do
Here, the same honesty mentioned above applies. You don't always have to "show service" to the boss, proving that at home you are also useful and functional. And if you work from home, establish a working hours, don't be tempted to pick up the computer, because work is always by your side.
When you get home or finish work, dedicate yourself to your child, do school activities, create a game. Disconnect from work, as your home is your refuge.
- Ask for everyone's cooperation
Everyone lives in the house, right? Everybody dirty, everybody messes, everybody eats. Therefore, everyone is responsible for the health of the home in which they live. It is a space for everyone, which everyone must take care of. If there are still people who think that housework is exclusive to women, they need to review their concepts.
And you can take the opportunity to further strengthen the bond with your children, creating a pleasant situation when organizing and carrying out household chores. They need to see this as a natural part of everyday life, and if you're married, your husband or wife needs to help too.
- Be with them as long as you can.
If you work outside the home, make time to get in touch with your kids. A call, a video call, an emoji on WhatsApp show that you care about them, even when you are far away. How about leaving a scavenger hunt (it doesn't have to be anything elaborate) for them to solve while you're away? Leave a note with the “mission” and, when you arrive, ask if the task was accomplished.
If you work from home, enjoy and organize small breaks to interact with your children. Take a break, play, do the school activity, show them some of your work. Ask them for an opinion as “experts” about some professional task (even if you won't fulfill it, of course), include them in your routine, showing that they are important in this too.
Don't be fooled by the idea that work is work and that you have to lock yourself in an office while you're working, "turning off" mother mode, because kids - especially kids - don't understand that. However, establish rules so that they also respect that individuality.
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- Make them feel like they belong
LISTEN to your children. Give them a voice to express everything they felt in your absence and try to make them feel like a relevant part of the house. Also, don't act as if children aren't capable of deciding, deliberating.
Choose topics that they can also decide on, so that they feel important, heard and considered, and most of all, respected. When you show them that their opinion matters, they feel more responsible and valued in the family.
- When you're there, be there
It may seem like a meaningless title, but that's right! When you are present, at home, outside of work, in the company of your children, be whole for them. Your leisure is also important for your physical and emotional well-being and there is nothing worse than being present in one place but checking your cell phone every five minutes or isolating yourself.
Live every moment with them, have fun, laugh, invent games, but don't forget to also talk, guide, talk about responsibilities and rules. Be whole for your children.
Motherhood has undergone major and significant changes over time – women occupy places in society that are very different from those they had in the past – and there is still much to be achieved.
Nowadays, not every woman needs to be a mother, and if she doesn't want to be, that's fine. This is a big change in the female reality, but if there's one thing that hasn't changed, it's the importance of being a mother to a child. If you chose to be a mother – and this has nothing to do with choosing to become pregnant – you need to provide your children with an emotionally healthy and secure life, in which the least there can be is love.
