It is impossible to be happy alone. The verse immortalized by Tom Jobim in the song Wave values the importance of living together as a group. The loneliness It's something that scares a lot of people. Lonely people are seen as unhappy. There are several studies that talk about the evils of loneliness. High blood pressure, obesity, inflammation, cognitive problems with memory and learning are all related to it. Researchers say that being alone for long periods can be fatal.
Loneliness increases the risk of death by 14% in the elderly, especially the poorest, according to a study by psychologist John Cacioppo, director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago (USA). The survey took place between 2010 and 2013 and evaluated more than 2 people over 55 years of age.
Loneliness affects children too. Smaller and smaller families, the limitations of big cities, including violence, prevent children from playing in the street. To pass the time, they stay at home and play with technological devices and interact with friends through messaging apps.
Not having anyone around is seen as a condemnation. In order not to suffer from this disease, some people cultivate friendships that add nothing, go to parties and clubs so they don't spend the weekend at home, embark on destructive relationships and end up as alone, if not more, than the lonely ones.
What causes loneliness?
Loneliness can be caused by numerous factors, depending on each person's life and experience. Still, we can list some of them:
1) Shyness
Shyness is a discomfort a person feels in social situations. In some cases, this discomfort can prevent her from expressing what she thinks and feels. In other situations, it can make it difficult to initiate and maintain interpersonal relationships. As a consequence of this, the shy person is likely to avoid social events.
However, there are many levels of shyness. An individual can be more shy with those who do not know and feel very comfortable with those who already have a friendship relationship, for example. There are those who manage to lose their shyness over time and those who will have it throughout their lives.
2) Focus on personal development
In a capitalist society, competitiveness is essential. It is from competition that companies and people develop their own capabilities and seek an increase in performance. So the focus on personal development is a necessity in the context in which we live.
Unfortunately, when a person spends a lot of time with himself, studying, working or traveling, it is more difficult to interact with others. Lack of time and fatigue can reduce relationships momentarily or more definitively, depending on each case.
3) Traumas
Throughout life, a person can experience a number of traumas. In childhood or adolescence, for example, many individuals experience bullying and other types of violence. These negative experiences can give the impression that there are no good people in the world or that every relationship will be harmful in some way.
In this way, trauma is one of the causes of loneliness. To protect himself from possible suffering, a person can isolate himself from others, believing that only then will he be safe. In this case, it is essential to seek psychological help to better deal with these troubling issues.
4) Social phobia
Social phobia is a chronic mental illness that causes a person to feel excessively anxious at social events. Even though there is no risk to her life, she feels threatened and is unable to remain calm or interact with others normally. So isolating yourself seems like a better option.
Despite this, it is possible to seek help. To diagnose this problem, you need to seek medical help. Only a professional will be able to indicate the appropriate treatment for those who suffer from this problem, as well as investigate the causes of the disease.
Solitude
But it is important to note that solitude is essentially something positive. It's when a person feels good about who they are and is comfortable living in their own skin. In other words, she does not owe satisfaction to others, does not hold on to social impositions and feels complete with her own company. After all, we can also live good times alone!
The lonely brain
Another survey, from 2020, pointed to an interesting fact about loneliness in society. Researchers Norman Li and Satoshi Kanazawa published in the British Journal of Psychology that very intelligent people are not as happy when they are with other individuals.
The explanation for this lies in the savannah happiness theory. According to her, smarter people have a lower tendency to follow common behaviors, which are more present in a group of individuals.
On the other hand, less intelligent people follow patterns already established by society, feeling easier to interact with groups. In this way, they are more sociable, as were their ancestral peoples, who lived in the savannah.
Therefore, if an individual is very intelligent, he will probably not identify with the values and behaviors reproduced by a large group of people. He will be happier if he is alone, living according to his beliefs.
The benefits of solitude
Robert Lang, from the University of Nevada (Las Vegas), an expert in social dynamics, says that loneliness will be more and more frequent, as marriages are increasingly postponed, the divorce rate will increase and people are living longer. This trend has many enthusiasts. In her autobiography Mujer en Guerra (not translated into Portuguese), Spanish writer and journalist Maruja Torres spoke of the pleasure of sleeping alone, with legs and arms in X.
Sociologist Eric Klinenberg, New York University defends the benefits to be alone. The author of the research GOING SOLO: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone (Being alone: the extraordinary increase and surprising appeal of living alone) points out that living alone means living healthier relationships, because a person in this situation knows that it is better to be alone than poorly accompanied, as the famous saying goes.
Sociologist Erin Cornwell, from Cornell University in Ithaca (New York) studied people over 35 who live alone. Erin found that they do more shows with their friends. Research by sociologist Benjamin Cornwell published in the American Sociological Review points out that people who live alone have more friends.
Being alone: creativity and innovation
You know that shy friend, who prefers to work alone? Do you wonder why he always got good grades and does amazing things? Introversion explains this, according to Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. Susan is categorical, creativity and innovation are at their best in people who hate crowds.
It goes against the grain of those who defend group living as a great source of creativity. If we do a little research, we see that great minds belonged to lonely people. Darwin, creator of the Theory of Evolution, loved to walk alone in the woods and did not go to parties. Steve Wozniak developed the first Apple computer alone, inside a cubicle at his workplace, Hewlett Packard, better known as HP, the giant in the computer and printer market.
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- Find out how solitude can help your evolution
Alone but free
How many times have you said or done something just to please a group of friends, co-workers or family members? When we interact with many people, we feel the need for acceptance and, because of that, we conduct our behaviors towards what the majority would approve of.
While this strategy helps us in countless situations, it can also compromise our authenticity. When we are alone, we do not need to meet the expectations of others, direct our tastes and control what we say or do. We are free to be ourselves.
Therefore, being alone at times is essential to develop self-knowledge. Only then will you discover what your tastes are, what you believe and what you think, far from social impositions and the fear of other people's judgments.
mental hygiene
Modern life is full of stimuli. People talking, loud music, horns, internet steal our concentration. Being alone clears your mind and takes you to a stage of self-connection, which in turn relieves stress. Putting your emotions on paper can also be part of this mental hygiene.
Helps prioritize
When we're alone, we get everything unimportant out of our minds. We think about what is relevant to us and set goals on how to achieve our goals.
Independence
By being alone, without other people to guide or help us, we develop our independence. This process can be daunting at first, but it's what helps us develop our abilities and get to know each other better.
Even solitude is a way to have more stability, since no other individual can shake our plans. This does not mean that we will never ask for help, but it will show us that we are capable of managing most problems with patience and courage, even when making difficult decisions.
And the independence that comes from loneliness is also an emotional independence. When we live with other people, we project our emotions and expectations onto them, which can cause a lot of frustration. Alone, however, we learn to deal better with what we feel, without depending on others to feel good.
Productivity
Darwin liked to walk alone. Steve Wozniak created the first Apple computer alone in a cubicle inside HP, the company where he worked. Has he seen just how being alone increases his productivity? Even if you're not a scientist or engineer, you might as well enjoy your time alone to pursue hobbies.
It's even weird to talk about benefits of loneliness. It is always seen as something sad and associated with existential emptiness. However, being alone is a great way to find your essence. It is the moment where the masks fall. When we are alone, we think about what we do, how we do it and why we do it. When entering this process of self-knowledge, some questions will arise such as:
- What makes me happy?
- What is the best place in the world?
- Will the problems that plague me today carry weight tomorrow?
- What was the last dream I realized? How long?
During this time alone, do this basic Pranayama breathing exercise. The technique is common to yoga practitioners. They count from 6 to 8 times and exercise calms the nervous system, stimulates concentration and decreases stress.
- Inhale through your nose and count from 1 to 4
- Exhale through your nose and count from 1 to 4
Another breathing exercise used in yoga is the Abdominal Breathing Technique.
- Place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen
- Inhale through your nose deeply. The diaphragm and chest cannot be filled with air
- Breathe 6 to 10 times a minute
Practicing this exercise for 8 weeks already brings benefits to the body and mind.
We shouldn't be afraid of loneliness. She is not the absence of company, there are couples who live isolated from each other, people who have several friends on social networks, but are unbearably alone. Think about this before feeling sorry for a person who isn't surrounded by friends. Don't you suffer from loneliness inside out?
Take advantage of every opportunity to be in your company. Find out what's on your mind and in your heart. Find out what's wrong, devise strategies to clean this emotional garbage. Improve your talents and let new skills emerge. You will have a pleasant surprise.
Solitude allows us to recover “the taste for silence and the mastery of time”, Javier Urra, Spanish psychologist.
