Usually perfectionists do not recognize themselves as such and think that their journey is the right one, after all, they do everything according to the rules, morals and good customs. They end up demanding a lot from themselves and, consequently, from others.. In the evolution of the pyramid of human needs, spirituality begins to be met, thus giving more space for perfectionism to spread. With so much information regarding spiritual development, we are experiencing a wave of talks with celebrity-gurus, retreats of all kinds (from face-to-face to virtual), accessing thousands of meditation techniques and yoga approaches, seeing books and videos being released daily, experimenting with various therapeutic and healing methods… And everything seems to come within a script that, for the perfectionists on duty, is a full plate!
In this wave of information received by the mind, linked to the soul's desire for fulfillment, expectations are created of what a full and perfect spiritual life should be: no feeling or expressing anger, sadness, disappointments or hurts... No negative thoughts… No more daily meditation or yoga practice… No lack of focus, presence or alignment… You have to be always in a perfect state of presence, alignment, calm, tranquility, prayer, meditation, soft-spoken and full understanding of self and others…
How tired!!! How much energy wasted on something inhumane!
From the moment we create the illusion that we must “dribble” our shadows (ignoring them, repressing them or denying them), or that our development must happen in an illusory linear way, we develop a neurosis that prevents us from making the movement towards true spirituality, which occurs precisely through living in the human experience in all its aspects and polarities: good and bad, sacred and profane, light and shadow, beautiful and ugly, pleasure and pain, day and night…
The perfectionist loses himself when he sets a goal that does not include his experiences, only his desires and expectations, the famous “have to” to get there. In an attempt to please the other (the other being anyone, including the divinity itself), the perfectionist loses himself! And that makes it an “unreal perfect”.
Some beliefs build and permeate perfectionism and spiritual perfectionism. One of them is the belief that “we are not good enough” and, as a result, we are always looking for approval (through the deity, the boss, work, school grades, friends and even the therapist - there are people who cannot speak in first person and outsource all speech to "what the therapist said", demonstrating a profound lack of connection with oneself, a work opposite to what is expected of any therapy). Another belief is that by giving myself fully to others, even if neglecting myself, I will avoid rejection and, thus, the person fails to take care of the most precious asset they have, which is their own life, to become a slave of caring for the other (making the other dependent and irresponsible for the care he should exercise for himself, as a way of evolving in his journey). Another belief is that if I don't meet the high expectations I think I should meet, I will fail (which can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy, of being a scam).
Lost in himself, the perfectionist, addicted to external validation, seeks even more approval, but not necessarily feel valued, since in order to receive it is necessary, first, to open up, to make oneself vulnerable, to show their “frailties” and “flaws”, something that no perfectionist likes, as they live the belief that “you have to give before receiving”. They also believe that they always need to be strong and role models for themselves and for others, thus keeping stuck in the cycle of enslaving approval.
Recovering from perfectionism is mandatory for the true spiritual journey, which includes earthly human reality and includes the ego throughout this experience. People and approaches that recommend “letting go of the ego” are ignoring the need for it for the spiritual journey to be complete. The embodiment of the divine includes the polarities. On a dual planet, the ego is the instrument (the means, the vehicle) to navigate it and knowing how to deal with this ego (and all that it brings) is what will help us to develop the practice of tolerance, patience and of acceptance.
Whenever you find yourself disconnected from yourself, wanting to please others to feel accepted or wanting to deny any aspect of yourself that you reject, ask yourself:
- “Where does the belief come from that I must please others in order to be okay with myself?”…
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“How am I feeling right now?”…
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“What do I need to be perfect for?”…
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“What can I do to welcome myself right now?”…
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“How can I protect my inner child, who is in need of care and love right now?”…
We are here to be real, not perfect! Listening to your inner voice and living according to your truth is what will facilitate the encounter of the “little self” with the “Higher Self”, the higher consciousness, the divinity. In the opportunity of an encounter with this consciousness, with this divinity, you would be able to answer in an authentic and spontaneous way the question: Have you been yourself in this life?
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