By Anne Moon. SĂŁo Paulo, November 18, 2019. Today there is so much talk about independence, especially when it comes to women, to make their own lives, to be no longer passive but authors, active, protagonists of their own stories, I find this incredible and Obviously, everyone knows that I'm in favor of this, but I need to make a caveat: I see that we're moving a lot away from what was the initial objective, but that's not what this article is about. This article is to open up a discussion about self-reliance and independence, to clear up the confusion.
In the world there are three types of people.
The first type: the self-sufficient, who behave as if they were an island, as if they didn't need anyone, NO ONE at all. They completely close themselves off from life, which are “hard bone” and unreachable, it's like there's a wall around them that no one can cross. I speak of “wall” as an emotional and psychological block, which does not allow a person to connect with other people.
But calm down, she doesn't do it on purpose, it's something unconscious, a mental programming that the person has, it's a defense mechanism that was created by some event in life, or ancestry, heredity. It has instilled in the mind "don't depend on anyone", "don't depend on anything or anyone to make your life happen". A sentence with a wonderful intention, a good sentence, encouraging us to go after our goals, without waiting for someone to make our dreams come true or waiting for opportunities to knock on our doors, we run after making things happen.
I think this is wonderful, everyone who follows me knows that. There's that phrase in my Instagram bio: "The secret to dominating the throne is to build your empire", I always hit that key, I talk a lot about not being the princesses of fairy tales, the damsels in distress, who need some event, of certain people for their lives to happen, in the sense that they act passively, putting total control of life in the hands of others, which would be very dangerous, you know? That dependency, of always needing someone to do things, the need to be with someone 24/XNUMX, whether it's going to college, school or work, or even going out and having fun. Some people don't even go to the mall because they're alone! A while ago, I posted some videos of me in a pool on my Instagram stories and I heard the question: “Wow, but are you going to the pool alone? How can you? Brave you huh?”. I was taken by surprise, because I have in my mind that it's something normal, it's not a "big deal", everyone does it and I have in my mind that if I want to go somewhere, I go, that's it. I want to do such a thing and if someone around me doesn't want to do it, I don't feel comfortable doing it.
I've even heard somewhere that it's really nice when we do something special for ourselves. Having a moment in the day for ourselves, living with who we are. I always say: first of all, we have to learn to enjoy our own company, because without that it will be difficult to live with other people. So it's wonderful that we give ourselves this special treatment. Whether it's preparing our favorite dish for dinner or lunch, taking care of our health in general, taking care of our body, buying that outfit and giving us as a gift, you know, giving us positive reinforcement.
For example, did you go back to doing something you hadn't done in a long time? Wow! Congratulations! Started a new project? congratulate yourself. Did you exercise again? Have you met someone you haven't seen in a long time? Have you overcome or are you overcoming any fear? Wow, congratulations! Discovered a new skill? Did you win any prizes, promotions, opportunities? Congratulate yourself, recognize your worthiness.
This is independence, this is detachment and understanding the concept of impermanence in the universe. It's being good with yourself, with your own company and thus being good with the company of other people. It's keeping in mind that only you have control over your own life and no one else, that the change in your life is in your hands, but not refusing help, support or advice from someone, learning from that someone, and while you are in your life, it's for you to learn something, work something on yourself. Therein lies the impermanence. The people we live with cannot be with us all the time and not everyone we have lived with will remain in our lives forever. We are changing, evolving… Some things and people are left behind, that is, STOP, STOP with this fairy tale. As they say around "Wake up Alice, leave wonderland and come back to reality!", take off those pink glasses that don't allow you to see what's in front of you.
As children, we have this idea of ​​permanence. There is no death, there is no ex-friends, ex-lovers, changes, we are resistant about it, we become more dependent on our caregivers and they gradually move away so that we gain autonomy, right? Early in our lives, we depended on someone for everything from our most basic needs. There is still no actual verbal communication, our communication is all through crying and screaming, until we create autonomy, we learn that we can do things on our own. Look at the detachment there again.
When Buddha talked about detachment, that the root of suffering was attachment, being attachment, resistance to change, he meant that we must be present in the moment here and now, with our feet on the ground, acting to maintain balance, perceiving oneself as a complete being, which is part of a whole.
As I had already said, detachment is you loving in the present, not putting the responsibility of your life in someone else's hands, not putting on it the weight of "making you happy", "making you complete", centering your life on that person. And, in fact, keep in mind that your life, happiness, completeness are in your hands.
Put in your mind: “Only I can make myself happy and complete. I am the power over my life.”
This is so freeing, I felt that way when I brought that phrase into my life as a mantra. Feeling that you are the author of your own life, feeling complete and good about yourself, that's being full, living fully. I once heard that self-knowledge is power. When you know yourself, you take the power of your life out of the hands of others, it's disallowing someone, whoever it is, from wanting to control your choices, your life, your tastes, yourself.
We have this habit of overprotection, sometimes of ourselves or others, "I can't allow you to suffer, to be frustrated or to regret it, I'm afraid", that's why there are adults who don't know how to deal with suffering, frustration and regrets. . As I say, life is not rosy, we have to live life with conscience and responsibility, knowing where we are stepping so we don't get into "a robbery", right? But we can't stay inside a bubble, always afraid, because as I said before, fear paralyzes us, doesn't allow us to move in life, and how does the universe flow? Progressive and ascending. In other words, there has to be a balance. Not being that person who needs attention 24 hours a day and not an island that doesn't need anyone in life. The right word is autonomy, it's being good with yourself and good with others.
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Does being in your own company bring you despair or comfort?
Whether you are in a moment of solitude or solitude is up to you. There are people who get desperate just thinking about being alone at a given moment, and there are people who, accompanied or unaccompanied, are fine, they do not place such a huge responsibility in the hands of others, they are at peace, thus being at peace with others. people.
