When I got out of a toxic relationship a few months ago, I knew what lay ahead. I knew it wouldn't be easy. That some parts of me had broken, been lost, or even I didn't remember them anymore. Some didn't, they came out intact, but I would need to reframe them and rebuild them in the same way. My inner empire had taken a downturn and needed reform.
This was an intimate makeover, very intimate. The ones only you and your therapist know about. Those fears, frustrations and energies that don't make sense outside of certain contexts. That recovery of a self-esteem that I swore had been lost by the extra pounds — but which, I later discovered, had just been another symptom. The symptom of not feeling loved, being rejected constantly and feeling like it would never end. But it did.
I can't say how it ended. Months of thinking about how to do this, months of procrastinating because I knew precisely what was ahead. One day, something inside us just decides and goes. And it was. And end.
Much crying and rebuilding after I have a dream last night. In it, this ex appears in a junkyard, completely naked (but without any erotic context). He looked at me with incredible tenderness and the dialogue below followed:
Him: Sorry, I couldn't.
Me: Couldn't you love me?
He nods and gives me a tender hug. I try, after a few minutes, to get out of the hug. But he just nestles on the other side and continues. I understand that he still needs some more.
Him: I can't love. Not you and never anyone.
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He disappears and reappears across the room, still naked and fatter than usual.
Him: But know that you were the one who came closest.
Forgiveness in a dream. And I know, I feel, I am sure that the karmatic process was complete. I still have some cures (the extra pounds have stopped climbing but still haven't returned to normal, among other little things). But I know I'm still free and free. rebuilt. redone. Speaking to the four winds: “Yes, it is possible”.
