The scene is as follows: a post on the social network presents a topic, not necessarily controversial, but that demands people's opinion – for or against. This will cause a lot of offense in the midst of heated arguments. Hostility and disapproval have been constant in these media.
Traffic is also a scenario in which this animosity is more than frequent and is even more intense, because it is a fertile environment for reaching the battles. Not to mention family relationships, domestic violence and advocates of the famous spanking, who see physical and psychological violence as excellent correctives in their children's education.
These behaviors are a clear demonstration that people walk without empathy, without the ability to dialogue and express their opinions in a rational and conscious way. And this is what Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is associated with, which is the subject of this article. Follow along to learn all about this technique, which can help you regain connection with each other and communicate more assertively and efficiently!
What is non-violent communication (NVC)?
Basically, non-violent communication is a type of communicative approach based on non-aggressive language, in which there is a defense that relationships need to be established in a compassionate and empathic way - hence it is also called compassionate communication.
CNV prioritizes active listening, empathy, understanding and the ability to understand the perspective of our interlocutor. In short, it involves respect for the other, considering their feelings and needs by knowing how to express our opinions in a peaceful and non-judgmental way.
how did it come about
CNV was developed by American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, inspired by great leaders such as Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi – known for their non-violent approach to transforming the world.
Non-violence, in this aspect, has nothing to do with avoiding or eliminating conflicts – not least because this is not the scope of the CNV. Conflicts are necessary, so that we can exercise skills such as mediation, respect for other points of view and acquisition of new perspectives.
Marshall had several inspirations for his work. Among them, his own childhood – because he was Jewish, which gave him unpleasant experiences – and the racial conflicts in the USA, between the 1940s and 1950s.
As early as the 1960s, the psychologist began to dedicate himself to the study of the violent behavior of people in different social contexts, with the aim of developing a peaceful culture, which would lead to a fairer world. For him, violence stems from the belief that other people cause us suffering and, for that reason, deserve punishment.
In her own words: “NVC assumes that we are all compassionate by nature and that violent strategies – whether verbal or physical – are learned, taught and supported by the dominant culture. It also considers that we all share the same, basic human needs, and that each of our actions is a strategy to meet one or more of these needs.”
Benefits of non-violent communication
As we said above, non-violence empowers us with the ability to argue more clearly, respectfully, leading the discussion to an exchange, to the possibility of seeing things through the eyes of the other, generating empathy and connection. And, among the most diverse benefits of this approach, we can highlight:
- Peaceful conflict resolution;
- Improvement of our relationship with ourselves, generating greater self-knowledge and self-control;
- Improvement of our relationship with others, creating an environment of respect, empathy and acceptance;
- Strengthening of affective bonds, resulting in harmonious and better clarified relationships;
- Ability to perceive the impact of our actions on people's lives, which increases respect for others and self-respect;
- Ability to understand our emotions, allowing us to know how to deal with them and to promote reflections and training to work with them in different situations;
- Encouraging healthy and rich debates, creating a more fluid path to consensus;
- Greater tolerance and respect for differences;
- Establishment of a culture of peace and responsibility.
There are, without a doubt, a multitude of other benefits of NVC, individually and collectively, which is why we must put it into practice as soon as possible. See below how you can do this.
How to practice non-violent communication
First of all, you have to be open, sincerely, to embark on this idea. It is necessary to recognize that there is animosity inside you, no matter how calm you consider yourself to be – because, at a given moment, your limit will be tested and you will fail.
It is essential to recognize that there are ways of debating and resolving conflicts other than through violence and keep in mind that violence is not just physical. When we invade someone's emotional space, when we are mocked, we don't listen, we defame, we despise, we are practicing a form of violence - passive violence.
The four components of CNV
To put non-violent communication into practice, you can guide yourself in four actions:
- Note: Analyze what is happening in a given circumstance, but do so without judgment, without evaluating what is right or wrong.
- Feelings: After observation, it's time to identify how you feel when analyzing this situation. What was the feeling? Hurt, anger, fright, joy, satisfaction or another sensation?
- Needs: identified the feelings, then it is time to recognize and verify the needs pointed out by them. If you feel anger, what need is associated with that anger? What needs to be attended to in relation to this feeling?
- Request: with everything resolved within you, you now need to turn to the other, to make a clear request, in order to meet the identified needs. What do you need from that person to enrich your experience or resolve a conflict?
A practical example: someone made an observation and you didn't like it. First, look at the situation. What did the person say (dispose of subjectivity)? How did you feel about that speech? Upset, offended? Let's say you felt upset and then you were able to identify the feeling. Then explain what upset you in their speech, but take responsibility for your upset rather than directly blaming the person (maybe they didn't even mean to).
Finally, you can reach a consensus on the conversation, as long as you make it clear what you expect from the person in relation to what was said and what it caused him, but, of course, all without accusations. Which is not always easy, since CNV doesn't happen by magic. It is therefore necessary to face difficulties for the greater good!
Difficulties in practicing non-violent communication
Change requires effort, willpower and focus. We have to have a purpose in change, since, on the other side, there is always that comfort zone, which imprisons us in automatic mode, which only gets worse as we get older, because we live under the idea that moving forward of age prevents us from embracing change. What is not true.
Furthermore, we live under the idea that punishment and aggressive dominance are the basis of communication. Examples abound, such as the famous “Send those who can, obey those who have sense” to the famous spanking, which we talked about at the beginning of the article and which brings the idea that hitting, screaming, punishing and imposing are the only ways to to educate.
In addition, we have several other day-to-day factors that can become an obstacle to the practice of NVC and its success:
- Establishing dialogues in which there is judgment, absolute truths, the impossibility of answers or perspectives prevents communication from flowing peacefully.
- Devaluing the pain of the other, either through competition (saying that you've been through it and it was worse), or by saying that there are many people in the world in a worse situation and that the person should be more grateful.
- Mandatory advice, such as saying that the person “should” do something, rather than practicing active, nonjudgmental listening.
- Attempt to direct the person.
- Interrogate and question, judging the person's attitude.
- Lack of connection with the person you are talking to, showing a lack of interest or depth in the other person's need.
- Just being there to wait your turn to speak. This is very common! It's when you're listening to the person without really paying attention, just waiting for your turn to talk about your problem, completely ignoring the other's feelings and needs.
There are several other ways to impede the effectiveness of non-violent communication, from different aspects and perspectives. The important thing is to remain firm and open to listening to the other and expressing feelings in a balanced and conscious way.
It's worth learning more about empathy, looking inside yourself and looking inside yourself for a way to heal your pain through self-forgiveness, healing and rescuing your inner child - that part of our mind where our repressed emotions live, our intuition, our playful and genuine joy. Work your emotional. It's like they say: tame your beast, to prevent the other beast from biting you.
When should we not use non-violent communication?
CNV can be applied to the most diverse situations, whether in terms of conflicts, decision-making, or the expression of feelings. It can be carried out within the family, at work, at school, in friendships and even with people outside our personal circle, as it is a tool for global transformation.
However, as we said above, this technique was not designed to avoid or end conflicts (on the contrary, it encourages conflict, only in a peaceful and enriching way). If you want to get away from the debate, you won't be practicing NVC.
Another issue defended by its creator is that non-violent communication is not applicable to situations of extreme need for survival or defense, since it is an instinctive situation and the body would not be prepared to perform the steps that lead to this approach.
In circumstances where tempers are excessively high, the ideal is to wait for everything to calm down and only then to start a peaceful and decisive debate. Here, the issue is not not to use CNV, but a matter of timing, since the technique can be used, it is just not recommended to do it right away.
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In general, however, there are no contraindications to the practice of non-violent communication, as it can become a way of life, a basis for our way of dealing with others and the world around us.
Non-violent communication is the way out for conflict resolution in a way that respects all parties involved and the conflict itself. As has already been said here, conflict is very important in our lives, as it enriches us and gives us the chance to get out of our bubble to know what is different. Not just knowing it, but accepting it and learning from it. This is the way for us to evolve as a society and, in fact, build a better, more respectful and welcoming world!
