The precious teaching of the Buddhist master Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo in her book entitled “In the Heart of Life” elucidates relationship issues such as marriage, dating and so on. She summarizes this issue, saying that we constantly confuse love with attachment:
“The problem is that we always confuse the idea of love with attachment. You know, we imagine that the attachment and jealousy we have in our relationships shows that we love. When in fact it's just attachment. And that causes us pain. Because the more we cling to something, the more we are afraid of losing.
And then, if we lose, we will suffer. What I mean is, genuine love is… Well, attachment says, 'I love you, so I want you to make me happy.' Genuine love says, 'I love you, so I want you to be happy. And if that includes me, great. If you don't include me, I just want your happiness.' And they are two totally different feelings.
Attachment is like holding on too tightly. But genuine love is like holding very gently, nurturing it, but allowing things to flow. It's not being tied down with strings. The more we tie each other, the more we suffer.
Any kind of relationship where we think we can be fulfilled by the other is bound to be complicated. Ideally, people would come together already having this feeling of self-fulfillment, and come together to enjoy each other's company instead of waiting for the other to fill the need for fulfillment that they don't feel alone."
Through this phrase we can understand what she means when we think we love someone. Love is a much deeper bond in our lives that influences someone else's life. Or others, in some cases. The practice of attachment is much more common, as we believe that we should be reciprocated when we feel affection for someone, consequently believing that it is love.
And she concludes: “When we started to know gold, we recognized that he/she might not be Prince Charming or Cinderella. He is just an ordinary person who is also struggling. And unless we are able to see them and like them and feel desire for them, and also have compassion and tenderness, it will be a difficult relationship.”
Therefore, let's practice love in its essence and purity, seeing the person as he deserves. In the best possible way, without imposing or inducing anyone.
Written by Bruno Melo of the Eu Sem Fronteiras Team.
