Passion is sometimes sneaky: it comes up little by little, and when we see it, it's already huge. Other times it is strong and violent: it arrives making noise and changing everything, turning our world upside down… but what about when one of these things happens while we are already in a loving relationship?
Because of a false morality in our society, which ignores that we all make mistakes and that many of them are not our fault, we grew up considering that liking two people at the same time is more than criminal, it's a sin! But the truth is that this happens often.
If it's happening to you, if you've met someone you've fallen in love with, but you're in an established relationship, we can help you organize those thoughts and feelings so you can make the best decision possible at the moment. Check out our tips.
Is it love or desire?
First of all, it is important to think about the nature of what you are feeling for this person. Is it something deeper, like love? Or is it something more superficial and intense, like a passion or a desire?
Being able to differentiate the strength and depth of that feeling is essential in deciding what comes next. Because dealing with a will, as you may know, depending on your experience with romantic relationships, is quite different from dealing with love.
don't feel guilty
We are not to blame for what we feel and think. Feeling and thinking are not under our control, so it's not our fault if we develop feelings for someone, if we fall in love, and so on. Don't feel like you're betraying your partner by feeling something that was born in you without your choosing.
But what we do with what we feel and think, that, yes, is our fault. If you see something arising and you hold it close, nurturing it, that's a decision. Walking away is a decision. Anyway, that's why it's important to move on to the next step: think, as soon as possible, about what the options are.
think about what to do
Before doing something, think about what to do. Serious. It is very important to take action after reflection. If you, for example, commit an impulsive betrayal and then regret it, living with guilt can be quite complicated…
As well as pushing that person away on impulse, but then finding out that they were the one you wanted can be pretty bad. So, after analyzing what that feeling is, the depth and intensity of it, think about what your options are, which usually involve letting go, cheating or ending the current relationship.
Cheating was included as an option, but here's a warning: affective responsibility can save a life, and the lack of it can greatly harm someone's life. So think about your partner, how he would be hurt by a betrayal and how he would possibly be traumatized for the rest of his life.
Based on that, think about whether it's even fair to hurt someone at this level because of a selfish posture of wanting everything at the same time - the relationship and the passion. Try your best not to hurt anyone.
What are the gaps?
It's possible that this passion arose because you simply met a person you thought was amazing, but it's very likely that the relationship with this passion delivers (or at least promises to deliver) something your partner doesn't deliver. So think about what those gaps and faults are.
Is your sex life as you wish? Have you been getting the affection, attention and support that you like? Are your plans with this person still ongoing? Is there something about her that irritates you? Does she hurt you? Do you spend more time happy or unhappy in your current relationship? Anyway, questions like these will help you understand if there is a problem.
Talk to your partner
Regardless of what your decision is, talking to your partner is essential, unless you want to betray them and run the risk of hurting them and disrupting their life in ways that may even be irreversible.
Communication and the possibility to dialogue without fear are fundamental in a relationship. Then talk to your partner about these gaps, to correct what can be corrected, expose your dissatisfactions and allow him to also expose his dissatisfactions.
Telling about your crush is your choice. If you are going to do this, be very careful. Imagine yourself in your partner's shoes, discovering something like this unexpectedly... So go gently, calmly and doing your best so that he doesn't feel worse than he probably already does.
If need be, step away
If you've decided to stay in your current relationship and simply avoid that crush, perhaps the best thing to do is walk away. And move away not only physically, but also digitally and, most difficultly, from thought.
We are human, and as you know, no decision we make is final. So, if you want to keep your relationship, but you are exposing yourself to “temptation” often, you can end up putting all your rationality to lose by being exposed to this intense feeling you have for this person.
There is another solution, which is palliative and not definitive: asking for time and giving a “pause” in the relationship. The line between doing that and putting an end to the relationship, ending it, is pretty thin, and each couple will define this in a way. But by asking for a break, you can at least let what you're feeling flow without the problems of betrayal.
But remember: don't turn anyone into a plan B. Always be honest and sincere about how things are going for you and avoid making someone wait for an answer that you don't know when – or if – you'll be able to give. . Have emotional responsibility.
Open relationship?
This is a topic that deserves to be treated with delicacy, because it depends a lot on the dynamics of the couple and if you feel if it is a subject that will be well received, or at least understood, by your partner.
Currently, many couples maintain an open relationship, that is, they continue to cultivate their relationship, but are free to relate to other people, whether sexually, romantically or even in the creation of intimacy. If you think this fits your relationship, it may be another option.
Don't be 100% selfish
Just reinforcing what was explained earlier, being selfish and committing a betrayal, involving two other people in your emotional mess, is an option, but it's the worst option ever. And not out of moralism or because I consider it wrong or character flaw.
Cheating is dangerous because, with it, you start to give hope to the person you are in love with (whatever the hope is - for more kisses and sex to be together in a relationship) and you start to betray trust and deceive your partner. current.
You may also like
- Discover the perspective of Psychology on infidelity
- Reflect on the challenges of loving someone
- Learn how to embrace and heal your feelings
The problem with all this is that, because it is not an open relationship, sooner or later someone will get hurt: your passion, for having your expectations frustrated, your partner, for discovering everything, you, for getting into a problem that can't solve it… Anyway, always affective responsibility!
Now that you've thought a little about what you can do after falling in love with someone, even if you're in a relationship, it's time to reflect and make a decision. You don't have to (and probably won't be able to) please everyone involved with your decision, but try to be honest and be emotionally responsible with everyone.
