How is the marriage after the children?

Enlarging the family is a very important step. You can't go back on that decision. Children require financial and psychological planning. Therefore, many couples have children after completing their studies and consolidating their careers. We see this phenomenon happening more frequently in capitals and metropolitan regions, where basic elements that provide quality of life such as a comfortable home, quality education and a good health plan have high costs. Therefore, postponing this dream in order to establish a financially secure environment is a perfectly understandable and responsible resolution.

Enjoying married life is another very recurrent justification. Understand yourself for enjoying married life, having time and money to travel, go to parties, clubs and be able to wake up later on the weekend. In the early years of marriage, both men and women are concerned about their appearance. They go on a diet, go to the gym, women in particular always find time to stop by the hairdresser. The maintenance of the couple's intimacy is another point that differentiates couples with and without children. Those who don't have them can have sex in any room in the house, anytime. In fact, this seems to be the apex of this freedom experienced by childless couples. It can be said that childless couples live a teenage crush.

The advantages of childless couples were confirmed in research carried out by the British university Open University. The institution interviewed 5 people (men and women) and they said they consider their marriages to be the happiest. The explanation for this is the greater concentration of time and energy in conversations, programs for two, declarations of love and sex. These attitudes promote the maintenance of the marriage and are more constant and intense in couples who do not have children and adolescents at home.

The same study also revealed two facts. Women with children consider themselves more complete, even in a cold relationship. Men feel more the decrease in sexual relations, however, according to the interviewees, this does not affect the level of satisfaction with the marriage.

We all know that kids demand full-time attention. The money, previously spent on travel and parties, is now directed to the health and education of the offspring. The space, once exclusive to the couple, is now occupied with toys. However, if life is a continuous exercise in managing time, why abandon pleasurable activities such as dinners, parties, trips and watching movies on the couch, almost always interrupted by kisses that culminate in long sessions of sex?

For the relationship to continue ardent and light after the children, the man needs to get "pregnant". The male figure tends to behave like the eldest son who has lost space due to the arrival of a child and throw tantrums to attract and get attention. See what can be done to bring husband and wife closer:

• Involve the man in the pregnancy. Talk to him. As increasing the family is a will for both of you, he needs to know all the physical and psychological changes that are happening to you. Hormones will leave emotions on edge, it's like an extended PMS. Give him space to express his fears. If you find this dialogue difficult, it is worth joining couples therapy;
• The bond between the couple is closer when men are present at the time of delivery. Intimacy is favored and so is admiration.

Unfortunately, few couples take these precautions. What we see a lot are couples that go into crisis after the birth of the child. Often, these are conflicts that were masked. The person who takes care of the child tends to become demanding, bossy and even authoritarian. Thus, a bossy woman who managed to camouflage this, with motherhood, lets this nuance of her personality shine through.

In the first semester, babies are fully dependent, as they are breastfed every two hours. A woman needs to wake up in the middle of the night. Bathing and changing diapers are also time consuming. The priority is the child. In this scenario, leisure and rest have become things of the past. The woman increasingly recognizes herself only as a mother. By not being able to associate the roles of mother and lover, sex is in the background, when it doesn't disappear from the couple's life. But what causes this lack of interest in sex?

• overprotection: Some mothers put their child to bed. This instinct is unhealthy for either the child or the couple. Many keep this habit for years. The longer, the harder it will be to get your child to sleep in your bed. Intimacy is also shaken by the lack of privacy;
• Tiredness: Taking care of a baby is tiring. Physical and mental exhaustion blocks sexual responses. Lack of sleep causes bad mood and affects the ability to feel pleasure in the first 18 months;
• Body shame: With weight gain come stretch marks, sagging and varicose veins. The darkening of the nipples also detonates women's self-esteem;
• Family interference: In order to help, parents and in-laws can interfere too much in the couple's life, taking away their autonomy. Combining the natural difficulties of the situation with this family interference, the chances of the couple fighting are greater, since one does not see anything wrong with this help, while the other thinks that everything is just intrusion.

Is the man? What doubts and fears do they have? As has been said, they feel they have lost space. They, for the most part, do not have the capacity to deal with emotional conflicts, they are lost. They know they need to be participatory, they understand the change in the routine of the house and in the partner's attitudes, but they want their women back. But unfortunately, some end up cheating, which complicates things even more. Men, see how you can help your women regain their self-esteem:

• Praise your partners. Praise the beauty and how good mothers they are.
• Demonstrate with words and especially with attitudes that love continues.
• If the woman is confident about her partner's feelings, she will certainly feel loved, will have the courage to get ready (make a simple braid, put on a gloss), consequently, she will feel desired. Here's the tip!

However, women need to do their part. Remember we talked about putting the child in the room? Reflect on your attitudes. Are you unconsciously sabotaging your relationship?

As much as the couple is an accomplice, the arrival of a child changes the dynamics. However, this change can be equivalent to the couple's degree of "craziness". The more flustered, the more confused the couple gets. We know that the first few months are complicated, however, pressure, demands and putting our frustrations on the other make this period even more difficult.

Talking we always understand each other

According to psychologist Mônica Genofre, a professor at the São Paulo Family Therapy Institute (ITFS), the couple should talk about their new routine and expose their feelings. In this way, the two will be able to come to a conclusion on the best way to deal with the new challenges imposed by the arrival of the baby.

There's no way around it, dedication to the child is integral. There will be no time to fall in love. However, things change if the tasks are shared. In fact, research carried out by the University of Missouri in the United States guarantees that marriages are more durable when household chores and decisions about raising children are joint.

Want another reason to stray and rescue sex? In 2002, the World Health Organization (WHO) elected sex as an important factor for quality of life, placing it on the same level as family, leisure and work life. But, to resume sex life after childbirth, some care is necessary:

• Guard: Some obstetricians recommend waiting 21 to 30 days. Others do not allow sexual activity before 40 days. The cervix is ​​more closed and needs to return to its normal conditions. This period is also important for the healing of the cesarean stitches. Episiotomy, an incision made in the perineum (muscular area between the vagina and anus), made with local anesthesia, to increase the vaginal canal, preventing it from tearing in the baby's passage, requires even more care. Always follow your doctor's instructions;
  
• Forceps: Forceps, a medical intervention that shortens the expulsive period, when the fetus is at risk. It must be used very carefully. The woman may take longer to recover;
  
• Lubricants: The hormone prolactin, responsible for milk production, decreases vaginal desire and lubrication. The gynecologist/obstetrician may indicate the most appropriate product;
• Contraceptives: The chances of getting pregnant are lower in the first half of breastfeeding. Prolactin decreases libido and ovarian activity. But, little by little, the body returns to functioning as before. Estrogen, a hormone present in the formulation of most contraceptives, compromises milk production. The doctor may prescribe so-called mini-pills, which are taken without a break. The IUD (intrauterine device) or condom are also viable alternatives.
• Positions: The best position is one in which there is no pain or constraints. The classic mother-and-father position may not be recommended, as the penis reaches deeper into the vaginal canal, which causes pain. Positions where the woman is on top are indicated, because the woman can control penetration;
• Breast care: The man needs to avoid the contact of the mouth with the breasts. Saliva can carry bacteria that cause infections. Fissures from breastfeeding make the breasts more sensitive to pain;
• anal sex: It is not advisable to do it before the vagina, because the anus has more bacteria that increase the risk of infection in the vagina.

Sexual practice after pregnancy is very complex. In addition to the care above, there is still concern for the body. During intercourse, milk may spurt from the breasts. This is normal, and each couple needs to talk about it, to find out if there is any discomfort. Bleeding, caused by the regeneration of the placenta, usually lasts for the same duration as the guard. Some women are not very comfortable. Nothing a good conversation can't solve.

The resumption of sexual life requires the couple to analyze the agendas. Yes, if before it was possible to have sex anytime and anywhere, now there is a child who is totally dependent on his mother and father. There's nothing wrong with asking grandmothers to take care of the baby once in a while (but only once in a while!). When it is not possible to leave the little one with their parents or in-laws, resort to the electronic babysitter. Use technology to your advantage. Make an effort to bring back the flame of passion. Check out some useful tips:

• manage time: Put your routine on paper. Take the calendar and see which days there are no appointments, or at least, that they are fewer. Find time and make it happen;
• Be creative: Time is short, you can no longer spend hours on foreplay. Exchanging sexy notes, emails and texts throughout the day can be just as exciting as physical foreplay;
• Open minds: Sex is not just penetration. Kissing on the mouth, caresses and masturbation are just as pleasurable practices.

It will take several conversations to reach a common denominator. The man must be patient and play the psychologist if he really wants to rescue the relationship. The woman needs to let her guard down and not demand too much from her partner. No one should charge anyone. The arrival of a baby is a situation that affects both of you. The changes affect men and women differently. Having children is a decision made in agreement, so it's only fair that both strive to minimize the conflicts that always arise, even with the best resolved of couples. In fact, whatever the crisis and its origins, a couple must remember the oath to always be together, through good times and bad.

• Text written by Sumaia Santana from the Eu Sem Fronteiras Team