My reason — Abusive relationship
Maybe I should start with abusive relationships. The first happened when I had 14 years old, which led me to have depression e anorexia. He was nice, older, stylish, overly jealous and blamed me for everything. He yelled at me, even when I mentioned that I told my parents about the fact that I lost my virginity, he yelled again, cursed me and played one of his many emotional games. The second, I was older, happened while I was dying of love and trying to take care of our relationship, but he looked at me with contempt and blamed me for being "pessimistic" while I was facing, once again, depression for not getting a job and being unhappy with the few options he had.
My reason — Employment
relationship frayed. Living alone in another country. 200 euros in the account and having to make it last for the next I don't know how many months. No job prospects. No courage to ask for help from the family. Facing feelings of failure, powerlessness and reality shock, after all, the privileged girl was finally living the reality of many: immigrant and starving to save, without being sure of the next month's livelihood. I hated myself. I felt incapable and stupid. In the desperate moments when I cried and moaned loudly in bed, asking God why this was happening to me, I would simply hit myself hard in the face, body or anywhere that would make me feel a pain worse than the one I was feeling in my heart.
Maybe these don't seem like enough reasons to you, but then we come to the point of what depression and the desire to commit suicide are all about: we are not talking about your opinion or interpretation of the facts, we are talking about the pain of the other, that which is invisible and incomprehensible. in your eyes.
The reason to want and never have tried
Two things have always held back my actions:
My parents!
A life without my parents would be death for me. And I know a life without me would be the same for them. I just don't wish the pain of losing someone on anyone. And my mother always taught me: "Don't do to others what you wouldn't want them to do to you".
my reflection
Meet her at the end of this text:
The truth is one: no one knows the depth of your pain, how much you are hurt by the actions of others, how much living in society demands of you. And the fact is that many people will not care, or worse, will laugh or encourage your defeat. However, the more people spread the “darkness”, the greater should be their inner strength and light.
I recently lost a friend to suicide. I don't know what her pains were and what motivated her, but honestly it doesn't matter: she was just another person who was suffering and no one saw... Or didn't want to see.
We spend a lot of time judging others, giving opinions about other people's lives, but inside we all charge ourselves too much and we try to kill our confidence and self-esteem with every bad thought we cultivate. But I think it's time for a change. Maybe it's time to spread the good. Maybe it's time to praise more and criticize less. Maybe it's time to take care of each other, because all of us, many times, we kill ourselves little by little. And, for you who, like me, have thought about taking your own life, I propose my constant reflection:
You may also like another text by the author: Being a woman
