The saying is well known – especially among philosophers and historians – that “the only thing that does not change in this life is change”. But in no other human context is this truth more evident than in the parallel world inhabited by the narcissist, despite all his efforts to present himself as the most stable and secure among mortals. As already mentioned in the previous episode, the ups and downs in this character's life seem to navigate a space-time lapse, capable of astonishing any observer by the speed with which things change in her "spider" trajectory concerned with restoring the web as soon as possible. a “fly” escapes him.
And this rule does not change even when the position of the “fly” in the web seems consolidated – as when there is a marriage or even children between them –, he will continue to discover new ways to disrupt it and keep throwing all his dreams to the ground. The only way for this cycle to stop is if he discovers in his next victim something much more important to him than anything that the "fly" of the time can provide him. And then – sorry for the shock if you're in her shoes – it's time for his “bye-bye”: you've reached the moment of discarding, as, from now on, he will change his former role of “luxury doll”. ” by the “pebble in the shoe”, so that he can make his new plans come true. I imagine you ask yourself after reading: “And what can I do about it?”. And if the question is about maintaining your relationship, then the answer is absolutely nothing! There's nothing you can do to get him out of it and stay with you, don't be fooled! But, if the objective is to suffer less, think that you will need to reinforce your emotional and go to fight as the only alternative in your favor, at least the one that will remain under your control. The blunt answer will always be this: always be prepared for this situation and ready to take back the reins of your life without generating dependence on anyone.
The end of this horror tale that fell on the life of the “fly” never ends in a simple way, and it can suffer many setbacks that will even lead you to believe that life in common is heading towards a solution. If he notices his new plans "making water", for example, he can try to "resurrect" the "fly" he already has in the web so he doesn't stay "seeing ships", at least until he already has another one in his sights. And that's when he'll try to convince her that he was wrong - rescuing some items from his seduction arsenal -, so that tempers are appeased. On these occasions, she can even offer “proofs of love” in the form of expensive gifts, preferably not out of her pocket, but through scams applied to third parties. Just as an illustration, he may surprise her with the purchase of a car “in her name”, as undeniable proof of his “deep love”. As a matter of fact, she may discover that he only bought the car in her name because he had a dirty record on the market and could not acquire it on his own. In one of these real cases used as an example, the victim only discovered the reality of the “gift” some time after escaping the web, when the vehicle debts began to arrive for her to pay off, between unpaid installments and dozens of fines! In short, she ended up discovering – and in the worst possible way – that the “proof of love” was actually a well-crafted “Greek's gift”, in which he took only the bonus and left all the burden to her.
Examples such as this fully demonstrate the ability of a manipulative person to use his power of seduction to transfer all his problems to his victims in a deliberate and very well engineered way. Their minds work like highly prepared machines to forge blows disguised as “benefits” brought to their victims, and where there are no limits to their destructive potential or to what they can do when they set their goals. Nothing in the life of the manipulative narcissist – absolutely nothing! – is performed without a purpose that favors it, and that does not escape even those acts in which they seem to show extreme empathy and generosity towards other people. Yes, he eventually even does something that actually has some real benefit to someone, like being supportive during hard times and being an attentive and supportive listener in hard times. But let the beneficiaries not be deceived: he will know very well how to “call the favor”, mainly because he is a master at offering little and demanding a lot in return! And he manages to be so skilled at it as to convince even his own mother, used to following his blows over a lifetime. She will respond to those who accuse her of being naive that, despite all the evil, the well-known blows and displays of bad character from her son, deep down he has “a good heart”. His problem is that he can't control his volatile and explosive temper, which he later regrets. And he will try to convince her that everything is nothing more than simulation, when he uses his power of seduction to "soften" his own mother so that she acts as a kind of unwitting ally with the others. On these occasions, it is better to leave it thinking that the justification has been accepted and resort again to distancing from the facts as a survival strategy, or, at least, to have the wounds relieved until the next round. The problem is that this "armistice" will not last long because, as soon as he is free from the pressure of the moment, the manipulative son will return to the load and can impose new sufferings on those close to him, forcing others to intervene, in addition to resuming the endless cycle of conflict.
In short, narcissists will spare no effort to, using the resource of exchanging favors, find any loophole to enter and occupy the position of “permanent and infallible guardian of the weak and the oppressed”. Hence, he is careful not to leave open doors, the cracks he is always looking for to enter and leave others in the delicate position of “indebted” because of his “innumerable and inexhaustible favors”. And when you refuse to give him what he is sure to ask for later on, you will be seen by all as the worst and most ungrateful of creatures. And that's not all: if you don't play the game, you will be in the firing line of a circulating machine gun of slander and slander as a person to whom he gave his all and who, when he needed it, couldn't count on a minimal support, proving that the “perfidious” is you! And that's when you'll only have three alternatives for self-protection: one is by never letting him know that you need something, because you'll always be waiting for it; the second is not letting yourself be contaminated by the whirlwind of accusations that you will face for showing yourself to be “such a cold person” and ungrateful. And the third is to keep as much distance as you can, so as not to leave any gaps to be filled, no matter how small, because he will not leave you empty, whether you believe it or not!
Always keep in mind that your will will never be taken into account, at any time, since his, by definition, will always prevail. Your will is a mere unfolding of what HE wants, and you can do anything you want, as long as your will is equal to his. Make a note of this in your notebook and read the notes many times so you don't forget this detail. To him you are not a person: you are just a puppet or mirror to reflect his will even for what concerns you alone. On her “nice” side, the manipulator may treat the person of her focus as a “luxury doll”, giving her a nice little treat to show how much she cares about pleasing or protecting you, as long as she continues to behave like a puppet with her. “dehydrated amoeba” brain, and it goes on deciding everything “that is good for you”.
Having dealt with all these matters, it remains to be said that if you find yourself in the position of a person involved in a close relationship with the manipulative person, it is time to focus on that personal investment in the form of a job or family support that you preserve as a “reserve of survival". Again: do not give up your personal and financial independence under any circumstances, as, whether you like it or not, living with a manipulative person, YOU WILL NEED HER sooner or later! And if he can't count on that, he'll end up on the "street of bitterness" without expecting any contemplation or the slightest pity from his "wolf" in sheep's clothing, since he's wicked enough for that.
One symptom that does not fail to identify a manipulator, as it is well known, is the fact that he is never wrong to apologize. No matter what he does, nor the severity of the action: the manipulator NEVER sincerely retracts or apologizes for what he has done in an authentic and honest way. He will always use a justification for his actions, and his preferred excuse will always be the other. If we're talking about you, he did it because YOU provoked him. He ends up losing his temper because YOU attack him, he has had an adventure outside because YOU don't give him what he needs, and he even starts to attack her because it's the only way to contain her, etc., etc. Thus, he will always be the “Little Red Riding Hood” who needs to defend himself against the “Big Wolf”, for the terrible things you do to him.
A symptom that has also been clearly described in psychology treatises to identify the manipulator is that he loves to seize other people's ideas. But only the best, of course. Those that go wrong, he, on the other hand, will always look for a culprit and quickly return them to their true owner. I would go even further than the mere possession of ideas: the “good” manipulator takes possession, literally, of his victims: their property, interests, personal life, etc., except for the friends and people they had. close before him, as he sees them as permanent threats to take the victim out of his clutches, which is why he will try to keep them as far away as possible. If he cannot do it for good, he will do it for evil, have no doubt. It will create so many problems with them – or for them – as to make them move away or tell you to stay far away from them so as not to contaminate themselves with the toxic climate of the “spider” and its “spider” life. fly” this time.
Of course, this is more than interesting to his interests, that of isolating his “fly” from these “bad influences”, because then he will be removing possible obstacles – and naturally they will be – so that he can do with it what he wants, and discard it. then without fear of any reprisal, since he will still have to hear from his friends – and with good reason – that acquaintance “Didn't I tell you?”. That's pretty tough, isn't it? In the role of the “fly”, you will have nothing to do but conform that you were always right, but you were too blind to realize it. If you don't quite understand why, when you reach this part of the text, go back to the previous one, which deals with the seduction process, in order to understand all its details. Also keep in mind that manipulators never give direct answers when they are questioned, especially for commitments that are demanded of them. They always slip into a “Let's see”, “Maybe” or “Who knows?” because they will always be looking for ways to not commit to any promises they have already made. So don't wait for a clear answer from him on anything you need a position for, and set off to pursue your own without further expectations.
You may also like
- Know if you are in an abusive relationship
- Understand how family therapy works
- Understand the risks of narcissism in young people
You may think, from time to time, that things are not as complicated as they seem, especially in those times when he "gives up" something in your favor. Well, note this one too: he may even change something, but whenever he does, it's because he's already managed to discover a new interest behind the change. He has realized that he can get an even greater advantage by letting you execute on your idea than by resisting it. And it won't be because he understood his side, but because he found in her a way to solve a problem of his own. An example just to illustrate: if he has discovered a new victim to seduce, knowing that you will be busy with your work will be all he needs to put all the focus on the “new fly” that has just fallen into his web, and you around. would be a serious obstacle to achieving it. So, for a while, at least, you'll believe that your favorite handler has "complied" and accepted your desire to have a job, so you won't exert pressure for as long as it takes to seduce your new victim. But this will only continue until you achieve your ultimate goal or solve the problem that is bothering you at that very moment.
