"I only have value if I please, my emotions don't matter, I can't have feelings of my own". All victims have a subterranean fear of any announcement that could mean a possible rejection, they are carriers of the “fear of ugly face” disease.
People who are born into abusive parental systems, from a very early age are indoctrinated to taking care of your caregivers' emotional conflicts, in an unconscious pact in the name of guaranteeing themselves some affective security. This reality does not allow children to be children, and parents punish them with all sorts of humiliations when they do not fulfill the role assigned to them. As a result and without possible alternatives, long before their time, such children become small adults, losing most of their spontaneity.
As childhoods are stolen, they first learn to be astonished and attentive to the moods of their parents, and then to the people they interact with. Fear, shame and inhibition are strong notes within this schema.
Throughout life, victims do not have the courage to speak the truth of what they feel or perceive for fear of being rejected and not receiving the desired affection. As this fear is overwhelming, many develop the art of seduction, being experts in detecting the feelings and desires of others. Always in order to be seen with benevolence, they do the impossible to serve everyone. Guided by the subterranean fear of feeling isolated and helpless, they respond to the world with a strong tendency towards submission.
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The cause of these behaviors comes from the time when they were indoctrinated and modeled to live according to parental demands in the midst of threats, punishments such as parents staying for days ignoring them, in a treatment of silence and negligence that showed how much they were the problem. These parents never recognized a mistake or misconduct on their part, never admitting any kind of guilt. In this macabre abusive dynamic, children are forced to make all sorts of demands and never knew what they could be doing wrong, which often resulted in endless forms of retaliation. As a life trauma, the terror that started from a very early age is perpetuated and the fear is as if the end of the world would happen again.
The recurring emotional dynamic is the failure of emotional senses and forces, the period of recovery and the illusion that one could be at peace, but with the fear of the return of this immense malaise. The unconscious subliminal belief, among others, is that “I'm fragile, I can't stand it, I'm not worthy of being loved, I'm not a good person and that's why I give in to everything”.
The difference between victims and perverse abusers lies in the awareness they can have about manipulations in general and also about what drives them, as well as the ability to feel guilty and also to be able to make important reflections to the point of freeing themselves from the abandonment that victims and also seduces the other by manipulating, only in a totally different way. At first, he also flatters, does everything the other wants, in addition to praising and appearing to be an equal, but when he realizes that the bond has been established, when he realizes that he has already conquered, in order not to lose that bond, he threatens his affective choice of abandonment, which is what he and his victim fear most. A game of power and seduction. Who will win so as not to lose the bond? The one who manipulates by submitting himself or the one who manipulates so that the other feels he needs him? Both variables belong to the same theme. They are two sides of the same coin. Two hostages to the very same emotional pain. One, from so much terror that he must have passed and, because he can't stand the fear of abandonment, he is totally dissociated from these first and terrible feelings; the other is also sick, but he has not lost consciousness of his pain and has every chance to recover.
Relationships of this order begin with the haunting of the leftover effect, where at some point the abandonment will inevitably happen. An exceptional learning experience for anyone who wants to unravel and free themselves from these illusory networks that impede a better quality of life. Everyone can ride this wave of awakening and with effective therapeutic help surf their own emotional healing. The more awake, the better!
