It is very common, in the daily routine of the office, to hear my patients talking about different stories of betrayal: between couples, friends, at work and within the family.
Attention is drawn to listening to attempts to forgive those who committed the fault, however, after forgiveness, the subject almost always returns in some other way in the present, either through inflamed responses on the part of the person who felt harmed or through behaviors directed at others. people who have nothing to do with what happened.
The targeting of these behaviors at people who had no part in the traumatic event occurs because of a phenomenon known as projection. For example, suppose you felt betrayed by your best friend when you found out that this one was planning to take over the position you hold in the company where you work together. Let's assume that the attempt was successful and that you actually lost your position and were terminated from the company in order for your friend to take over. Today, when you recognize (unconsciously) people who behave the same way as the “friend” of the past or who have similar physical traits, you can act with considerable dislike or reservation towards that person who has done nothing to you until now. In this way, there was a projection of the “friend” figure in this second person.
If asked by another person about their motives for such dislike, it will likely be difficult to recognize anything concrete, hence the standard justification: my saint didn't match his/hers.
This difficult memory, which insists on returning, makes it evident how common it is for people to confuse the difference between forgiving and forgetting.
One of the first pieces of advice we hear from people who fail to grasp the dimension of suffering on the part of those who have been betrayed is to say: “Forget about it” or “get over it”.
It often happens that many use forgetting as a coping tool, but, in fact, it just means a very superficial attempt not to think about the fact anymore and not suffer from it.
Forgiving is something different. It differs from the simple act of not thinking about a traumatic situation. It means, on the contrary, that there was a lot of reflection about what happened, there was psychic expression and elaboration about the event, thus enabling forgiveness — that affection that demonstrates acceptance of the failure committed by the other. For this forgiveness to be possible, it is essential that the person who felt harmed can speak openly about it and that all doubts and gaps in the story are filled with honest information.
Despite being a considerably painful process, only it can make forgiveness itself possible.
Forgiveness can occur from the verification of the motivating events and the real acceptance of the personality and behavior of the one who committed the fault.
The perception of this reality makes the fantasy and continuity of the idealizations created about this person unfeasible, but it is at the end of this analysis that it may be understandable whether or not forgiveness and continuity of the previously established relationship will be viable.
There can be many reasons that lead a person to genuinely forgive: the realization that the wrong party did not do so with evil intentions; the conception that the error occurred without the errant being fully aware; the belief that new events will not happen, among others.
We are talking about a process that has as a prerequisite a good dose of courage on both sides. On the part of the one who felt harmed, the psychological disposition to speak and hear the truth about the facts will be necessary. As for the errant, the courage to assume their debts and the reality of their attitudes will be required.
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It is no reason to be ashamed to assume the present inability to practice forgiveness. Nor is it a reason to put yourself in a position of inferiority for not being able to have the psychic strength to face the “exhumation” of the facts. Psychotherapy, in these cases, can help with emotional strengthening, by providing an understanding of subjective functioning, enabling difficult but necessary choices to be made.
It is worth remembering that this matter must be faced in a real way, with some care in relation to concepts that are beyond reason, so that there is no risk of mistakenly anticipating the realization of an unreal forgiveness.
