The most common complaints that appear in the office are related to communication between parents and children. Teenagers complain about not being understood. This is an old complaint; from generation to generation, it has been happening, because teenagers feel at a very particular moment in their lives, which is true, and parents give the impression that, as adults, they forget what adolescence was like – which, also, it's true.
So they cannot understand their children, they get angry, demanding more from them than they can give. Communication is truncated. The parameters of the parents are not the same as those used by the children. This causes many conflicts and one of them is related to school performance, basically grades.
A good number of teenagers reach this stage very discouraged with the school model. We have to recognize that most schools are not really meeting the needs of young people. They transmit knowledge in an old-fashioned way, without creativity, aiming only at the entrance exam, aiming at the future, a future that seems very far away and undefined for them.
Young people, like all of us, need to live in the present moment, to feel that they are acquiring knowledge for now, something useful, in which they can see the meaning. Teenager's life often becomes quite boring, and they eagerly seek emotions.
What I notice, too, is that some, not all, end up lying to their parents in order to get a little free time in order to have fun undisturbed. This is worrying, because when they start to get used to lying, this habit usually leads to other, more serious behaviors, such as omitting where they are or what they are doing. This is not good, considering that parents are working, busy with their tasks, and often do not have the time to accompany their children so closely.
Parents, when they find themselves in this situation, can become persecutors of their children, in the sense of trying to increase control, following with the school all the teenager's movements, through electronic means, entry and exit control, detailed reports issued by the school. about the child's behavior, etc. That is, the pressure increases, as parents believe that this control will help, but it only gets worse. That's when children feel motivated to invent new ways to escape this situation. It is painful for the teenager and for the parents as well.
Most of the time, this is the behavior that stands out in the average teenager, the one who studies more or less, who wants to have a more fun life, wants to go to concerts, play video games and the like. There is also that teenager who studies hard, who strives and seeks parental approval through more impeccable behavior, so to speak.
We also have to look carefully at this teenager, because the level of anxiety is still high, since he seeks parental approval in this way and ends up repressing feelings and behaviors in exchange for acceptance, of being good children and not cause problems. What happens? Up ahead, when he is an adult, he will probably feel the weight of this so repressed life. It's not good either.
So what is healthy teen behavior? Parents may ask: what is healthy for my child? How should I act? The healthy teenager is the one who studies a little, who has his interests but also has his doubts, he is curious. You won't tell the parents everything, because the parents ARE NOT your friends. Parents are PARENTS. And parents have to come to terms with that.
A father doesn't have to be his children's best friend. The best friend has to be the same age, has to have the same feelings, because when we become adults, we forget what it's like to be a teenager. So really, we can't be friends with our kids. This is a fact to be accepted by parents very calmly, because it does not mean that the father is losing his child; it just means that he, the son, wants some privacy, he needs to share some things only with his friends.
What should parents do? Adolescents expect firmness and serenity from their parents. Parents expect safety, limits, because teenagers do need limits; this makes him sure that there are people who care about him. A teenager who is abandoned, who can do whatever he wants, has no schedules, rules to follow, obligations at home, has the impression that it doesn't matter, that no one cares.
This is a bad feeling of abandonment, and this abandonment will make him seek other emotions and other company. For the family to stay healthy, the initiative has to come from the adults. It is important to respect that moment in human life, adolescence, where there is a lot of doubt and instability.
One day he is happy, bouncy, loving everyone; in the other, he doesn't want to talk to anyone, what a deep hatred! Of course, it's not for everyone to mobilize around him and let him set the tone for the family's well-being. It's not that. On the day you're in a bad mood, ok, let's signal properly, show that it's not cool to be like this, but that you're being respected, as long as it doesn't disturb the rest of the family. Let him stay there, calm down and recover! Then go back to socializing. On the day when he is well, happy, very good, let's socialize, let's enjoy, even praise.
The fact is that life has to be taken as naturally as possible, understanding that that person is growing, observing, learning, and learning mainly from the examples, the examples of the adults around him. This is very important, and adults have to be aware that there is no escaping it. The best way to educate a child is by example. There is no escape. It is essential to have peace, awareness of one's role, every day, at all times, in any situation, acting in an assertive and balanced way.
There is no recipe, but we can help each other, family, school, psychologists.
