The coaching profession put me in the role of an attentive observer of relationships, be they marital, family, business or social.
You know what catches my attention the most? The ability that some have to elect an executioner, without realizing that sometimes we are each other's executioners.
We have an enormous capacity to find blame for the emptiness of our own soul. We're good at it. It is very practical to transfer blame when we experience it within ourselves. It is easier to blame than to admit our faults. We learn to blame the other instead of forgiving.
There is a biblical passage that I really like and that I try to relive whenever my mind becomes a court of inquisition, it is in chapter 8 of John, verse 3 to 11:
“The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought to him a woman who had been caught in adultery. They made her stand before everyone and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law, Moses commands us to stone such women. And you, what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger. As they continued to question him, he got up and said to them, "If any of you are without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." He bent down again and continued writing on the floor. Those who heard him left one at a time, starting with the eldest. Jesus was left alone, with the woman standing before him. Then Jesus stood up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? No one condemned her?” “No one, Lord,” she said. She declared Jesus: “Neither do I condemn you. Now go and forsake your life of sin.”
What this passage tells me is: we are all alike.
Often, our tormentor is a mirror of what we are or have done. He comes much more to confront us and give us the opportunity to change than to condemn us. Condemnation is the choice of the one who accuses, forgiveness and change are decisions solely of the one who is accused. It is necessary, first of all, to forgive yourself, otherwise we will be our own executioner. And that's the cruelest thing, because we'll have to live with him every day.
We need to break the vicious cycle of guilt. And this is only possible if we admit that we are all imperfect and subject to countless wrong choices and attitudes. We make mistakes and we will make mistakes countless times in life, and for a simple reason: every choice has consequences and resignations.
When we have children, we renounce nights of sleep, vanities, leisure hours and even moments of individuality. When we get married, we give up the “freedom” to do what we want, the way and time we want. When we start a company, we renounce unilateral decisions, taking responsibility for affecting lives. In all these choices we will have gains, which can be incredible, if we know how to see them and value them. Examples of some gains: with a child we live an incomparable love, we have a sense of protection never seen before, our ambitions are enhanced, aiming to increase their safety; in marriage we have someone with whom to share our desires, with whom to conquer achievements, date, talk nonsense and be free together; opening a company, we gain strength in execution, we have many minds and arms in favor of goals and we are able to scale results.
All this, of course, needs to be built and fed daily.
Every relationship is about a main choice: what impact will this choice or attitude have on my life and on the people I interact with?
Even if our choice is to stay alone, not get married, not start a business, not work in traditional jobs, not have children, any choice will have an impact.
Living is taking and managing risks. And living requires involvement. Escaping from it is a utopian option, simply because we are relational beings. Unless you escape to a desert island and live in total isolation, you will have to learn to relate.
Relating requires understanding, because we don't always agree with each other's attitudes and choices.
To understand it is necessary to know the history, origins, assumptions that formed the beliefs and attitudes of the other.
I would like to share with you some of the most precious lessons that I have been able to learn in these 40 years of life, in relation to living in peace, and which have become the five valuable ways to eliminate from life the tormentor that does so much harm to you:
1. Look within whenever something offends or upsets you – if it generated this effect, there was identification;
2. Forgive yourself and correct the mistake whenever possible – and don't do it again;
3. Understand the other, only then will it be possible to forgive – even if you don't have the opportunity to know their history, certainly the experiences or bad choices forged their tormentor;
4. Give yourself some time - often the momentary feelings will not allow you to "digest" the situation, you have to dissolve what happened and this is only done by fulfilling the next item;
5. Invest in the development of your Spiritual Intelligence - this is beyond religiosity - it is a competence resulting from self-knowledge, centering, expansion of consciousness, maturity and a lot of training.
The worst tormentor you can have in life is an undeveloped conscience that is trapped in judgments. Take responsibility for the results you can generate.
Gratitude!
You might also like another article by this author, for example: The Right to Feel
