Losses are a very difficult thing to deal with in anyone's life. Although we are aware of our finitude, it is very painful to face the departure of a dear family member or to grieve for a friend - even for those who believe in reincarnation and other lives beyond this one. Even more so in Western culture, where death is not seen as a natural process, a consequence of life.
And, even if we were prepared throughout our lives for the imminence of our end, there is no way to know if we would experience this process in a lighter or less impactful way. What we do know is that there are phases for us to try to work through grief, until we are able to digest the eternal absence of the person who is gone.
The duration of grief varies from person to person. However, it is common for all of us, without distinction, to go through certain phases. The person who first addressed this aspect was the Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth KĂĽbler-Ross, who proposed the definition of five mental states that are built on a timeline in the bereaved's life. And that's what we're going to talk about in this article. Check out!
The stages of grief
In addition to these five phases, there are other nomenclatures, either as synonyms or as subdivisions of the most well-known stages. But they are all very similar, in a general aspect, and they also occur in a chronological order.
The denial – it is impossible that this could have happened!
This is the first phase of the grieving process. As if in an instant reaction, the person rejects the existence of the fact. At first, you may even think it's impossible: “But just last week, I was talking to him/her!”
This is a defense mechanism, activated to protect us from pain and suffering. Although denial is the first stage, tending to be replaced as time passes, it is not uncommon for it to occur throughout the other stages, less frequently.
How to help?
- Respect that person's time.
- Don't try to convince her by countering her denial.
- Embrace and be empathetic, avoiding toxic positivity.
Anger – the search for the culprit
From the moment we start to assimilate the fact and understand that death really occurred, that we really lost that dear person, overcoming denial, we give way to a kind of revolt. With this, we can become aggressive and even disconnected from reality, reaching attitudes of self-destruction.
It is at this stage that we begin to look for a culprit, in an attempt to understand the reasons for this loss – unfair, for us. “Why him/her?” is one of the most common questions. That's when we don't decide to blame ourselves, entering a spiral of anguish, remorse, fear, among other feelings.
How to help?
- As with denial, respect that person's time.
- Give her space to let her feelings out so she can let it all out.
- Don't assume her aggression has anything to do with you, don't take it personally.
The negotiation – what can I give in exchange to get him/her back?
In this third stage of grief, we tend to believe that we can negotiate the reversal of the death of a loved one. We ask God, the Universe, angels or higher forces to undo what happened, making promises and offering some “sacrifices” in exchange for the loss.
Many times, we believe that if we had done – or not done – something, that person would not have died. This feeling also occurs in the anger phase, when we blame ourselves for it, but in bargaining, it's as if we mentally go back in time to retrace the steps and find a "hole" that could prevent death.
How to help?
- Affirm to this person that he or she was not at fault by helping them take that weight off their shoulders.
- Try to help her move forward, on her time, so you don't get stuck in the past.
- Be a friendly shoulder: listen – without judgment – ​​to everything she wants to say.
Depression – a void that will never be filled
The penultimate stage is when the “chip falls”. Although this sensation has already shown signs in previous stages (especially in the bargain), it is at this moment that the person begins to deal with emptiness, with absence. There is room for intense crying, anxious crises, isolation, among others.
It is here that grief is experienced most forcefully. It is when we accumulate the experiences of the other phases, adding to that loneliness, deep sadness and longing. At that moment, we suffer physical and emotional upheavals. It is a very delicate phase, in which we must pay attention to the risk of it evolving into a major depressive state.
How to help?
- Keep an eye out for possible signs of a depressive disorder (see our content on the topic).
- Always be close, ready to listen, welcome and make this person understand that this phase is normal, but it inspires attention.
- If necessary, do not hesitate to encourage her to seek professional help – psychological or psychiatric.
Acceptance – moving on, keeping the memories alive
Here's the last stage. We realize that we will not go back in time, starting to deal with feelings more serenely, also knowing how to express them more clearly. Here begins the journey of reorganizing ideas and feelings, so that we can move forward.
It doesn't mean that we will forget the loved one or that we will completely overcome the loss, having no moments of sadness, longing or pain. But life begins to reconfigure itself so that the wound heals and we can continue life, keeping the best memories of what we lived next to this dear person.
How to help?
Despite being a resolutive phase, be close to the person, maintaining the support and reception offered in the previous phases. Be someone she can keep counting on when the longing hits and the pain tightens.
It is worth remembering that the more we insist on denial, the later we arrive at acceptance. Therefore, it is important to surround this person with support throughout the process.
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At all stages, be aware that this person is going through a difficult time, and going through these stages is essential to their healing process. So what we can offer is reception, support and respect.
We know that death is a certainty for all of us. But losing someone is certainly one of the saddest ones, for which we will never feel completely prepared. So, for those who stay, may we support each other, welcoming and respecting… How about counting on the help of this article to complete this mission, which is to offer support to those who are going through this process?
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