Abandon the idea that romantic love is something no one else understands.
All the new science tells us that romantic love is no longer a mystery. It makes perfect sense. You can learn its laws. You have more control over this outpouring of emotion than you think! What you understand, you can shape. The first step is deciding to learn about love and the new science of bonding.
Every day, openly try to reach out to someone asking for your attention or affection.
Accept that you are a mammal and that love is an ancient survival code. You are happier, healthier, stronger, handle stress better, and live longer when you nurture your bonds with your loved ones. It's okay to need them; they are your greatest resource. We were not designed for self-reliance. The strongest among us is the one who accepts this need for connection and risks getting close to others.
The next time you feel insecure, worried, or anxious, try just mentioning it to your partner, or noticing their emotional signals asking or giving for help.
The bonds of love offer us a safe haven where we can take shelter and regain our emotional balance. Recent studies show that just holding your loved one's hand can calm the brain of unwanted thoughts and turn off fear.
See if you can notice the times you find an opening in your tough-guy protection, become defensive, distant, or disconnected.
We know that emotional openness and responsiveness are the foundation on which solid and lasting bonds are established. See if you can take the initiative and share it with your partner, helping them understand what makes it difficult for you to open up right now.
Reflect on how you and your partner normally interact.
How can each of you reach the other? What do you do when the other gets upset or doesn't answer you? Do you force yourself to make contact or do you pull away? Tell your partner one thing you could do to help each other find each other, rather than moving against or away from each other.
Try talking to your partner about how you interfere with your attitude towards each other.
Your brain senses that the other can offer safety or danger, through signals that we are used to in order to survive (or not suffer); we are all vulnerable when we are alone. Realize how you can bring out true joy or contentment in your partner. When you promote suffering or feelings of rejection or loneliness, our brains encode this type of pain in the same place and in the same way as physical pain.
When you get into a fight, take a deep breath and try to see the fight as if you were a fly on the ceiling.
Often, underneath the discussion of problematic issues, someone is asking for more emotional connection. See if you can get curious and identify the dance; maybe it's the typical dance where one pushes the other for more contact, but the other hears criticism and steps back. See how and when the other leaves you with both a feeling of being alone and a little scared. Talk about it.
Invite your partner to be closer. Play a simple empathy game once a day.
Each person is an event in their day. Then you take turns reading each other's faces and trying to identify if you see one of the six basic emotions: joy, surprise, sadness, anger, shame/embarrassment, or some kind of fear. See if your guess is right. Learn to tune in to each other's issues!
Take a moment of silence, tune into your emotional channel, and see if you can get what you need most from your partner.
Keep the action simple and concrete. Do you need comfort, trust, support and empathy? Send a clear message about how important you are to him. If this is too hard to share, share how hard it is to open up and ask.
Be aware of the fact that emotional injuries get in the way of relationships.
You can inflict great pain on your partner simply because you care so much. You may be the only person he depends on. At a time when you are feeling close, ask your lover if there are any emotional wounds that have not yet healed. See if they manifest in times when you've lost your ability to make suggestions for the other to have support and connection. Try to help with this pain (it won't just go away with time…). Often, just saying that you can feel how hurt the other person is and showing that you want to help them works wonders.
Know that the best recipe for great sex is safe emotional connection and open communication.
Write a brief description of what your ideal lover can do in bed and how he can invite you into an erotic game. Give the paper to your partner and see what you discover about each other. Remember: criticism literally hurts and turns off exploration and sexuality.
Talk about what you learned in your family about dealing with emotions.
Emotions are the music of the dance that lovers make; it helps if the music is clear. Then you can predict each other's intentions and know how to move together in harmony. Talking about the things you've learned makes it difficult to hear or share your feelings.
State your main goal for the next year and see if you can find a way to support each other in achieving it.
Of course, when we know we have someone around us, we are more confident and more adventurous. We achieve our goals more easily and are less likely to be derailed by disappointments.
Honor your connection. Create small rituals to recognize your bond.
Maybe it's a special kind of kiss when you go out in the morning or a special 10-minute time when you get home. This is a sacred time. No business agendas, problem solving or electronic distractions. Make this compromise between yourselves and you will not regret it.
