Experiencing a relationship breakup is something quite painful, both for the one who decided to leave, and for the one who felt rejected, as both face a terrible internal grief. What usually happens is that this same grief is not experienced at the same time by the couple. One always goes through grief long before the end. While the other only feels it with the fateful departure of the loved one.
According to psychiatrist Elisabeth KĂĽbler-Ross, we go through 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. All phases are totally necessary for us to house the new (fact) in our own consciousness. Our mind processes everything psychically little by little, so we don't suffer all at once.
Faced with this end, it is common for the “rejected” to feel victimized by the partner who left. However, those who left lived all the mourning inside the house and next to the being they unfortunately no longer love. There are very apparent symptoms, but the other seems not to see or is even afraid to bring it up.
The first stage is DENIAL.
At this stage the mind defends itself from harsh reality. The individual seems unable to deal with the pain or talk about it. Some may even run away with necessary addictions that serve as drugs for fulminating relief from their (un)known anxieties. And so they inject themselves with food, cigarettes, drinks, late hours on the internet and television, lewd acts in a promiscuous way and without deep involvement, many work tasks or even high narcotic doses of unreasonable fantasies.
The second stage is ANGER.
As the person does not accept what is happening, he begins to feel an unbearable kind of inner rebellion. It is at this time that there can be many fights and confusion here, as the lack of understanding of the facts has not yet been digested.
The third phase is the BARGAIN.
Here the person begins to rationalize their uncontrolled behaviors and somehow tries to find solutions to recover the relationship. At this moment, the one who is still at home and knowing that he no longer loves, tries at all costs to suffocate the desires of his own soul so as not to let his partner suffer. He pleases the other, but not himself. Already the one who felt left, can despair and do crazy things to get the love (which has died) back.
The fourth stage is DEPRESSION.
Super-painful phase, because here the person is already aware that he has nothing else to do but feel all the pain of the end.
The fifth stage is ACCEPTANCE.
As Shakespeare said, “There are falls that bring about greater ascents.” In this phase, pain is replaced by conscious longing. Missing something that was very good and great learning. Here both keep the piece of the other that was left.
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Therefore, any type of mourning messes with our psyche. And we must be patient with the process, because our mind will protect us until we fully accept the end.
And something very important to consider is that there are no victims and no blame when there is no more reciprocity in love. As Frida Kahlo said:
“Where you cannot love, do not delay.”
