It's been a while since I've noticed the relationships between siblings and all the richness of feelings involved in this coexistence.
Like motherhood, brotherhood is also loaded with idealized and almost sacred emotions, but in both, daily life is much more tragic, difficult and complex than what we are taught.
Having a brother is devastating because if we are only children, he is enough to take/steal a place, looks and attention from us before. So, at first, this being that enters our house and our space is, above all, the destroyer of an emotional and physical system, already established and balanced.
If we are middle children, we live in the dilemma between being compared to the eldest and, therefore, the one who knows, which is the firstborn. And the youngest that comes, as said above, to steal the place of the youngest and demand the looks, loves and cares that were previously destined for us and shared with just one more. This middle child position often leaves us on the sidelines, with the leftovers of what has been given to the eldest and youngest, requiring us to go the extra mile to get noticed.
The youngest, on the other hand, although they do not suffer from the arrival of an intruding sibling, have always lived with toys, clothes and objects such as a stroller, bathtub, crib, among others, which were from the eldest. Living under comparisons and in the shadow of those who came before.
The above paragraphs seem heavy and very bad, but maybe they only become sources of suffering if they are ignored and not considered and talked about among family members. You have to be able to say how boring it is to share what is ours, especially the love, look, attention and affection of our father and mother.
It is necessary to be able to say that the brothers bother us, hinder us and hurt us so that we can feel tenderness and build on a daily basis the bonds that will make possible a loving, gentle and true sharing.
A recent mother of two, I found myself worried about how to convey the importance of having and being a brother. I was wondering how to educate to teach them to be best friends, companions and caring for each other. A very real feeling of wanting my children to take care of themselves in my absence, to help each other in the troubles of life and not build a relationship of competition, envy and distance.
And then, watching my eldest — now five years and ten months old — when he met his little sister — now one year and three months old —, attentive to his gestures and behavior, I realized how much the space before him alone, the parents before only him no longer existed and, therefore, my little one was experiencing grief. He was watching his parents, toys and his room being taken over and invaded.
And it was in front of a scene of indignation from him that I could see a very legitimate anger and pain. I understood right then and there that I—the mother, the adult in the scene—needed to help him name without judgment what he was feeling. I sat on the floor next to him and told him how boring it must have been for him, that having a little sister was getting in the way of his day and that I understood him and I was right! But I could assure you that this annoyance would one day change and that as soon as your little sister got a little bigger she would become a playmate and not just someone who demands my attention so much.
From that moment on, I began to consider that perhaps one way to transmit the richness and delight of having siblings is simply to recognize their bad side and speak openly about it. With delicacy, care and respect, but making space so that each of my children can feel without guilt and without regret that having a brother sometimes sucks.
I realized the importance of being attentive to the differences of each one of them, in the way they relate, play, talk, feel and share their emotions and strengthen these ways. It seemed essential to me that everyone has their own space and some personal objects/toys. May each one have exclusive attention and company time with their parents. Siblings do not need to share everything, on the contrary, we parents cannot forget the individuality of each child and it is necessary that we create and respect their private universes.
Each one in their own space, with their little friends, their favorite songs and movies, will provide a genuine desire to share and be with each other. I think it is necessary for each child to feel in order to know that love is not divided, but multiplies and that the presence of a brother is more than a threat, it is an opportunity for exchanges and inspirations.
Letting each child have their physical and emotional space within the home and family will give them resources to build their self-esteem, to look at the other not as a threat, but as another person just like them, rich in ideas, projects, dreams, feelings and, therefore, also deserving of attention, affection and consideration.
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Looking at each of our children as a unique being, providing them with an environment of acceptance and validating their emotions, seem to me today to be fundamental attitudes that will directly reflect on the construction of their way of living life and dealing with the issues that it will bring them.
I don't know if acting like this I will be able to create a relationship of complicity, friendship and love between my little ones, but that will be my bet, and motherhood is always a bet, an attempt and a daily transformation. Just like the brotherhood, an eternal weave of trust and complicity.
