If your answer was “yes”, answer: are you able to say with certainty that this desire is something that was born in you? Or could it have been influenced by the way you were raised, socialized and taught from a young age?
If you were in doubt, you may be a victim of the so-called "compulsory motherhood". This term is used to explain the naturalization and universalization of the idea that all women should be mothers at least once in their lifetime. Let's understand more about it:
What is compulsory motherhood?
“A woman is only complete if she gives birth”, “a woman is the best person to take care of the family”, “motherhood is sacred”, “being a mother is part of the cycle of life”, “babies are a blessing” … Who has never heard one (or all) phrase like these?
The set of political and sociocultural practices rooted in our society is what sows in women the desire to be a mother, without this being, in fact, natural or a choice.
The way traditional families are organized (father, mother and their descendants) lead women to think, from an early age, that their future involves motherhood at some point in their lives — whether giving birth or adopting. It is as if having a child were a mandatory social achievement, an act that provokes validation before society and that is sufficient in itself.
Unlike what happens with women who choose not to have children. These suffer from judgments, weird looks and constant questioning, since it seems unthinkable for a woman to decide not to maternity and still be happy.
But, in practice, how is this thought established? Check it out below:
Why does compulsory motherhood happen?
The system that induces compulsory motherhood has a name and a surname: it is the patriarchal male chauvinist. Even though women have made important advances within this configuration, there is still much to be done to get rid of the ties of patriarchy once and for all.
The choice to be a mother is one of the examples. There are two ways in which women are led to believe that they need to want motherhood: the subjective and the objective.
The subjective has to do with female socialization. From a young age, girls are encouraged to play with dolls, baby carriages, toys that imitate domestic tasks, in short… Elements that show, directly or not, that the female role has to do with motherhood.
Boys, in turn, can play superheroes or any sport, without worrying about offering affection to another person (even if just a doll). Up front, the results are visible: women take the reins of caring for the family, while men do not see themselves as part of this responsibility.
Movies, books, series, music, plays, soap operas and various other media only reinforce this thought. When they get married, women need to have children to bear the (obligatory) fruit of this love and, finally, reach the ideal standard of femininity. Otherwise, they are accused of not having lived fully.
This dynamic is even more present in countries where women's reproductive rights are curtailed, as is the case in España. This is where the objective means of forcing motherhood come in.
Come to think of it, there are no 100% effective ways to prevent women from getting pregnant. Contraceptive methods are diverse, but none guarantee the complete impossibility of having a child. Not even tubal ligation, female sterilizing surgery, is able to provide 100% certainty. Abortion is not even mentioned — vehemently prohibited by Spanish legislation and society.
Another point is that, for the most part, such methods are the responsibility of the woman, since they were developed for her to use them. As she was created for motherhood, it is up to her to worry about contraception. The man, meanwhile, can be absent from the process without too many crises.
As an aggravating factor, women are not encouraged from an early age to know their own bodies, their own cycles, their own reproductive system or even the contraceptive options available. So how can they put themselves in control of their own lives? How to avoid motherhood, when this is a choice? Keep reading to find out.
The importance of family planning
To escape compulsory motherhood, the first thing you need to keep in mind is: knowledge never hurts. Understanding the functioning of one's own body and understanding the effects of choosing (or not) to have a child is essential to plan the future of the family you want for yourself.
The so-called “family planning” is precisely the set of actions aimed not only at women, but also at men, in order to help them decide when and how they want to have their children. It is a right that must be offered by the State through access to informational, educational, scientific and technical resources.
Below, we have separated some tips that can help you prepare your life for the arrival of children or avoid pregnancy, if applicable:
- Know that biological clock does not exist: of course, the older you are, the greater the risks of pregnancy. However, with the advancement of science, it is now possible to freeze eggs and delay pregnancy. In general, this clock pressure is only social, with the aim of highlighting compulsory motherhood in our lives.
- Know your options: If you have decided to postpone or suppress pregnancy in your life, you need to understand what your possibilities are. Currently, in addition to egg freezing, there is also assisted fertilization and a huge range of contraceptives. Search for the best option for your situation.
- Talk to your partner: Dialogue is essential for anyone who is thinking about changing family dynamics. Reflect together on whether the decision has not been influenced by other people, whether or not they are prepared for the arrival of a child, whether they prefer to use contraceptive methods, etc. Transparency is key to both being on the same page.
- Find a trusted doctor: the support of a qualified professional who understands and respects your decisions is important for motherhood to be a pleasant experience or for health to remain a priority in the case of non-maternity. Discuss contraceptive options with your doctor until you find the one that best fits your plans.
- Plan yourself financially: if you are sure you want to be a mother, it's time to prepare the ground for child care - which is not few. Write down all the expenses you can think of and see if you can match them to your income. With financial security, it will be much easier to enjoy the little one's childhood.
As we have seen, family planning is extremely important and should be the rule for the entire Spanish population. In practice, however, this is not the case. The poorest population is usually excluded from this process, raising their children in any way possible. That is why it is necessary to reflect.
Why is it important to discuss the matter?
Compulsory motherhood has reached a level where being a mother is such a natural decision that no one even questions it, even when there are no socioeconomic conditions for it.
Ask a mother why she decided to have children. She is likely to say that she never stopped to think and that it always seemed “obvious”. The one who has to explain himself is precisely the one who decides not to maternity — or even who, for some reason, cannot get pregnant.
This has direct consequences in the lives of these women. In the eyes of common sense, they become less desirable, more lonely, less respected and even less “women”.
Meanwhile, mothers are deified to an absurdly toxic level, where unrealistic expectations are placed in the lap of a single person. And they can't complain, as motherhood should be seen as a "blessing".
How long are we going to continue like this?
For the power to choose when to have children or not
Motherhood is not, nor does it need to be, something inherent to women. Today, we know that, when planning for reproductive health, they are less subject to the pressure of compulsory motherhood.
Only then will they be responsible for their own lives, taking into account everything that goes through the arrival of a child, such as biological, social, gender, demographic and family planning perspectives.
There is no right time to have a child — and no one should be discriminated against for deciding not to wait on the ticking clock.
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After all, how many women can afford to hit “snooze mode”? How many women can stop the hands without being judged for it? How many of them saw the hours pass quickly and now regret not having waited a little longer? Motherhood is only for when women are ready. If they ever are.
